On the opposite side of the spectrum I have taken a hold of my life in ways I can positively make a change, my health! Since puberty I have always had extra weight on my body. After two years of being pregnant my body looks like its been through a mauling. Each time in an effort to loose my baby weight I did Weight Watchers, and that was great, but I was still fueling my addiction to fast food. I knew I had to get active and quick or I was never going to make any change. About a year ago my Mom joined Jazzercise, I was intrigued. I went to one class and I was hooked and drenched from sweat. I was so impressed with these ladies, some triple my age and built like brick houses. For over a year I went, sometimes 3-4 times a week, sometimes less...like not at all, for a month. This past February they were doing a challenge 30 classes in 35 days. I went back and forth with committing. I finally presented the idea to Kurt and Mom, I needed reinforcements for childcare. They accepted the challenge with me. An addiction was born. I completed my challenge and felt energized and alive. BUT I was still eating crap! That's when I saw a former co-worker of mine's journey as a coach for Beachbody. She was starting a 21 day fix group. After research and commitment from Kurt that he would support and cook for me, God, I love that man! I jumped on board. In the beginning I am not going to lie, I was freaking hungry. I felt light headed and tired all the time. I stuck with it and started to notice changes. Only 21 days and I lost 9 pounds and several inches. I saw 158 on the scale, I didn't even know this was possible. Today is day 22 and after a cheese steak that made me feel like death last night, I'm back on board with clean eating. For all the skeptics out there reading this, if I can do this, YOU CAN! Give it a chance. I'm in no way gaining from this public service announcement HAHA. I've decided my long term goal is to rock a bikini when I go to the Ocean in August for our girls get a way trip, tiger stripes and all! I start my next endeavor with team Beachbody May 4th, Body Beast! I am a beast ;)
I was terrified to post these pictures on social media and then I thought to myself, screw it, I worked hard for these results and I am ready to show it off!
Now back to the reality that is really the challenge for me right now. My dear sweet boy has always been a bit anxious. I've always been concerned with his demeanor at times, specifically the tantrums. As of late they are exacerbated by triggers. Triggers include: putting his utensils in his food, if I do this I have to wash the utensil and give it back to him. He will not take off his winter jacket beyond the house, it must be zipped to his neck. If his father is around forget it, I can't do anything for him. Those are just the ones at the tip of my mind. Now if you know Kurt or if you've read my blog you'd know he suffers from debilitating anxiety and has several OCD tendencies. I was unaware of this until we had kids, not that it would matter, I'd love that man no matter what. I know Kurt's heart is breaking because he feels partially responsible for Karson's challenges. Unfortunately, that's the gene pool. In the past I have always been Karson's safe haven. I knew what triggered him, I avoided those things at all costs and if he flipped I was there to calm and recenter him. I can't anymore and I'm crying as I write this. I don't know what I can do to help my boy. We've decided as a family to see a therapist in an effort to work with Karson and attempt cognitive behavioral therapy. As a mother, I need tools and resources to teach me how to properly help him. I'm not trying to change Karson, never, I need to change my parenting ways.
Last Saturday was Karson's first soccer game. I knew it was going to be rough, he was really sick after preschool Friday. Well I pushed it anyway and we went. Karson was completely disengaged and wouldn't say anything but the classic, "I want Daddy." We avoided this Thursday night at soccer practice by having Kurt not be there. How sad is it that he has to miss all these firsts because Kurt triggers Karson's anxiety and vice versa. Karson was excellent Thursday night, he was a little clown. I was over the moon and so proud. Well back to Saturday, it was horrid. I finally lost it, I scooped Karson up and just started walking and walking. I have no idea where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I lost it. I had rage fill me. If you know me, you know I have the patience of a saint. I sat Karson down and had to walk away. I was so frustrated I had to walk away from my 3 year old. I'm ashamed. I could care less if he played soccer (he's the one who brought it up to us), its that he won't even try. He literally gets paralyzed by anxiety. I can't count how many times a day he says, "he's scared." The rest of the day I stewed and hated myself for my behavior. For a second, I gave up, I gave up on my son.
I guess as a parent these are memories we sit back one day and say to ourselves,"They survived, we survived."
Let me say once again for all you people that are reading this thinking I am complaining or ungrateful, I fight everyday for my family, I love my son and I will continue to make sure he has everything he needs in life to thrive.
By the grace of God I have been blessed in this life with two happy and healthy children and a man who drives me flipping nuts in every good way possible. My love and dedication to them makes me the best person I can be.
Within the next few weeks I am hoping to share exciting news, but for now I am all about not jinxing it, so until its official I am going to have to leave it To Be Continued...
