The big day came and I had the perfect dress, one that my mother insisted on buying me months ago when I had lost a little weight (I did not want to jinx it, but she called it "the interview" dress). I left the house like two hours before interview, it was nap time and I did not want to interfere with our regularly maintained schedule. I sat outside the building downtown in the most beautiful garden. I sat and people watched, let my mind wonder, scoped out nursing students, watched the insanity unfold across the street at the ER. I asked myself, "can you do this?" I wish I had some brilliant epiphany to share with you all, unfortunately I do not and I continue to ask myself this very question every day. Of course, mom and Kurt reassure me they can handle it, "they got this". I don't for one second doubt them. It's not them, it's me. Mom guilt has ultimately consumed me. I'm being selfish, I don't want to miss a second with my kids, but I'm so thankful to have had the past two years at home with them. You see I am a walking, talking conundrum. People say, "do it now, before they get older, that's when they really need you." I see their point, but I'm an attachment parent, for Christ's sake my kids nap with me everyday. This is more about letting go of our normal lifestyle and all about reforming our lives into a structured existence, this scares the crap out of me. The work is going to be nearly impossible (both my school work and our work at home), our schedules are going to consist of colored blocks in hour intervals. I'm going to miss the hell out of my husband and kids and I hope they don't miss me, not for a second.
The counselor tells me it's all about balance and that at some point throughout the program I will say to myself that I am a horrible mother. Well that's reassuring. In a way I like the bluntness, that's how we roll. Kurt and I both agree that two years will fly by and before I know it I will be blogging about graduation and a new exciting career. If anything is certain time does not stop and my darlings are growing before my eyes. Both of them will be in preschool this year.
Last time I blogged I felt like I was in a tidal wave of emotions and I couldn't breathe. Karson was just about driving me nuts. His anxiety and emotions were off the rector scale. We had just tried soccer and that was a big fail. Well I am happy to report after that first horrid week, he warmed up, he really bonded with his coach and he began to make progress. He left my side and actually stayed on the field, towards the end he even scored a couple times. He received his first trophy and told me proudly that he was a soccer star! We signed him up for fall ball and the aliens seemed to have returned my son, for the most part, I mean he is still a three-nager and ranges through emotions from zero to ten. We talked with a doctor and it seems he has high anxiety like his Dad, well duh. We got a couple tips to handle it at this age, but really it will all come down to when he is a bit older. Kurt read an article about high maintenance kids and laughed while they described our son to a tee.
Kooper is still in Rolly Pollies, she loves it and is fearless. She turns the big 2 next month and after that I might attempt to sign her up for dance lessons for the fall. I don't know though, she might be the real soccer star. Ball was one of her first words and she has a mean kick. Currently I am in overdrive preparing for her Team Umizoomi party, Of course she had to have a theme that Party City does not have in store. That's okay, one last crafting project before I start school won't hurt right?
We have a ridiculously busy summer, literally every weekend we have something going on. We just got back from a camping weekend at Jellystone. Kurt and I are leaving next week for his big 4-0 celebration in San Francisco. I am complete nerves every time I think about boarding an airplane. When we come back from that we have camping down the Ocean. All while preparing for nursing school, which doesn't seem like much, but trust me it is! I bought one of my textbooks early and have been working through relearning basic math skills so that I can do the dosage calculations that I will be tested on after the first two weeks of school. Nahh no pressure!
This seemingly short post took about three hours to write, we had to stop for breakfast, pollies class, two poop explosions and finally lunch! Sure this school work think will be no problem at all ;0)
