I've been in a strange place lately. A little excited,
apprehensive, guilt ridden, melancholy...you name the emotion and I am sure
I've felt it. The other day in Jazzercise class (yes you read that right,
Jazzercise is no joke), I had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess it’s the one
that I have been waiting for, the one that I blogged about last month. While
sweating my ass off, barely breathing, jamming out to a song that was singing,
"I'm ready for this, there's no denying", my instructor was talking
about her new life's chapter about moving out of state and it just hit me.
Before I knew it I was crying, thank God I was sweating so hard you wouldn't be
able to tell the difference. As she talked about being ready for her new
chapter, her positive energy just flooded over me, like it was contagious. It’s
really hard to describe the feeling of relief, a moment of clarity, a long
awaited sign. In that moment all the emotions that have been a jumbled mess
were united and I was strong, fearless, and positive. With all these emotions I
have let them damper my gratefulness. I've done the exact opposite of what I
preach, I haven't been living every day as a gift. I have two weeks until I
start my next chapter and I still feel the emotions, but I am aware that
although this beautifully written chapter of my life is coming to a close, I am
thrilled to be starting a new one. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to
start a new one. I have those closest to me to thank: God, my husband, my
mother, Craig, my kids, my friends, my co-workers. All you have been so
supportive in my journey, in my book, whether it’s been in the past chapters or
the ones I'm about to write. I'm ready, bring it on!
Since my last post Kurt, Kooper and I have
had birthdays. Kurt and I celebrated on the west coast in San Fran. That trip
was amazing, much needed. First of all, the weather over there is to die for.
The sights are indescribable. I don't think we ate anything that wasn't
awesome. I even enjoyed the plane rides (yeah, I needed that vacation when I am
admitting that)! Kurt turned 40, I swear you'd never know, he doesn't age. We
brought in chapter 40 sitting on a bar stool in the most dark dingy smelly old
bar in San Fran. It served Pabst on tap, live music from musicians originally
from MD and the friendliest people from the east coast. If you know Kurt, than
you know this was the perfect way for him to celebrate. To see the happiness on
his face, the relaxation in his grip, the ease of his jamming to the music made
me fall in love all over again. This man just isin't my father's children (our
roles of parents sometimes seem like our main ones), he is the man that seven
years ago made me realize how a woman is supposed to be treated. I never not
once doubted the chapters I was writing with him. He debuted in chapter 21 and
if I'm lucky he'll be a main character until my book ends.
As I've grown older I've learned lessons that I never thought I would have to. I learned there is a season for some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the memories, have love in my heart always for them, but sometimes you just have to let go. You have to understand that you can't force a relationship. This whole idea just about kills me. I'm an eternal optimist who hates burnt bridges, conflict or unpleasant feelings. My greatest fear in life is to live with regret. I see people who have loved ones who die prematurely or sudden and they are left with some form of regret. Whether it's not spending enough time with them, enabling them, not having a relationship with them at all. These people have to live with this for the rest of their lives. I can't, I won't. I haven't really come up with the conversation yet, but I will have to have one. Regret is not going to control my life. Then there is the other side to this conversation, when the other person doesn't care or acknowledge there's an issue. Ignoring problems in relationships is such the easy way out. This rant is not intentionally passive aggressive, the person this is about will never see it. It's toxic really and before I start my new chapter I had to say something to someone while I still muster up the courage to confront my feelings head on.
Enough feels already! Back to good news. Karson went to his first soccer practice for the new season last night and I was shocked. He went right onto the field, met his coach and only came to me to hydrate, he gave me a couple thumbs up. I know it was tough last season with his separation anxiety, but I am so glad I pushed him through it. He now walks into preschool like he owns it, meets new friends and introduces himself as Karson Mundell. I could not be prouder. He has blossomed into such a wonderful young man. We are currently working on respect and responsibility, we've had a couple time outs, but overall he is grasping the concepts.
Kooper turned 2! Where has my baby gone? She is such a spirited little thing. A little tom girl with some diva wrapped up in her. She is obsessed with horses, we have to sleep with a plastic horse jammed into my ribs. She loves animals! We took her to the zoo, she was in heaven. No fear. She wants to pet all the animals. She starts preschool next week. We will be going through the separation anxiety all over again, but at least this time we have some experience under our belts. I've conveniently made sure I have two hours to sit in the parking lot before I have to get to class myself. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's a brave girl.
We finished our summer off with a wonderful first family camping trip to Frontier Town in OC and we had a relaxing time (as relaxing as it can be with a 2 and 3 year old). We went to Assateague, biked on the broad walk, splashed in the water park and turned technology off. It was refreshing and when I am at my wits end this semester, I will look back, take deep breaths and plant myself in that sand with the breeze. Second thought, minus the sand, because honestly that stuff sticks to everything, it is even worse with tiny people.
Goodbye Summer! Hello Back to School, for all of us this time!
