Oh the Places You'll Go.

I can't even begin to describe the whirlwind that took over my life during the beginning of 2017. Here I am half way through the year and just sitting down to capture and meditate about some of the best moments of my life. After beginning the last semester of nursing school I quickly found out that I would be hired on the unit I worked on as a student nurse for the last year and a half. Knowing that a job was waiting for me was a huge sigh of relief at that point. Final semester was a blur, between 3-4 shifts at the hospital, sitting down every night at the dining room table working on my practicum paper, coaching spring soccer, prepping for dance recital, planning and coordinating the final touches to our Disney cruise vacation. You get the drift, life was busy. Before I knew it, May 19th was here and gone. Leaving the parking garage on the last day of class threw me for a loop and sent me spiraling into a ball of emotions. I could not believe this chapter of my life that I had been working towards since Spring 2011 was over. I could not believe that we survived. I left the garage fighting back the tears as I realized that was the last time I would walk to the parking garage with my two best friends. I honestly felt no sense of relief with the impending doom that was the NCLEX. Regardless, I was able to put the test to the back burner and enjoy our most needed and deserved family vacation.

Once you Disney cruise, nothing else compares, if that's what you've heard, they are right! Kurt and myself were the cruise virgins of our group. I really had no expectations going in and somehow Disney still surpassed them. The food was delectable, the service was impeccable, the weather was perfect! The kids literally had the time of their lives, enjoying every single moment they could with their beloved cousins. We were able to snorkel in Cozumel, dolphin encounter in Grand Cayman, sight see in Jamaica and chill (& get terribly burnt) in the Bahamas. My mother gave this trip to us as our "inheritance." She wanted us to spend the money making memories with her instead of after she is gone. She 's a trip, but her timing was perfect. We all needed this vacation in our lives for various reasons. 

After Disney it was on to studyyy and boy did I ever. I really felt as though I didn't quite have the content that I needed to pass the NCLEX, so I dove head first into the 600 page book. Started endless questions and remediation and before I knew it that big day was here. The night before I was nervously clam about the exam. I could have lived without Karson dropping my phone in the toilet or sink or whatever the heck he did. I was seeing red and did not need the added stress of not having my phone to call the troops for reinforcements after the exam,when my brain felt like mush and I needed to be talked off the ledge. Somehow Kurt, of all people, was able to resurrect my phone.

I arrived ridiculously early for fear of traffic, getting lost or an unexpected blunder I would encounter. I also should note that I was suffering from a terrible case of bubble guts that left me in fear of literally pooping my pants. I finally went into the testing center and quickly realized there was a long arduous process and I would not be taking the exam any time soon. After being patted down, striped of my jewelry and glasses inspection I was ready to sit. 

Throughout the prepping session, after receiving feedback from classmates I thought it would be wise for me to develop and chant a mantra that would calm my nerves and re-focus me. I said these positive affirmations at night and in the morning before taking my practice exams. I must have said them about a thousand times to Mom and Kurt. The morning of the exam Kurt left me a note with our mantra and a picture of a bear eating the NCLEX for breakfast. I feel as though he suffered through all of this right along with me. Poor guy. 

Back to the test, I sat, said my mantra and kept in mind this was going to be a long six hours. I promised my mother that I would take a bathroom break at 75 questions regardless,in an effort to come up for air and shake off any uncertainties. I made it to question 60 and I felt myself getting anxious to stand and walk around. I said my mantra, refocused and before I knew it question 75 was on the computer. I honestly never thought in a million years that there would be no question 76, so when a screen came up explaining survey questions, I completely blacked out. I raised my hand for the proctor, explained my confusion and attempted the extremely challenging survey questions, when my brain began to chant. "Did you really just fail the NCLEX in 75 questions?" I shortly left, without finishing the survey because my mind was hazy and I was down right confused. 

Quickly after returning to my car, I started my call list. People were shocked I was out in two hours and only had 75 questions. Well so was I. I had no clue how I did. I felt like there were a few I knew for sure and the majority was select all that apply. I came home and of course Mom wanted me to try to the Pearson trick right away (basically attempt to sign up for the exam again) and I just needed time to gather myself. Eventually, when she wasn't paying attention, I got up the nerve and did it. The "good pop up" came on the computer and my stomach flipped. In that instant I could not get to excited until it was official. 

The next day was absolutely agonizing. I did not leave the house and by 3,Kurt came home from work,I was blankly staring out into space. My license number was not online and in that moment I realized this might not really be happening for me. I took a time out and watched a Monster High movie with Koop. By 3:45 I was a nurse! I have never seen Kurt so ecstatic about anything in my whole life. We did it! 

And today I turned 30. I have done so many things on this planet in my 30 years and I am so excited to begin the next journey. I've already created my list for the next 30 and let me tell you, I only get better with age.

The End is Near.

I can't believe I am writing this post. I remember specifically sitting and writing about the apprehension, nervousness and just plain doubt I had about starting this chapter of my life two years ago. And in just a few short months, a bunch of long 12 hours shifts and a couple night's staring at the computer screen writing research I will walk across that stage of the Hippodrome with a master's degree. I have literally daydreamed about this moment and every time I can't help but tear up. A reel of memories come flooding back to me like I am an innocent bystander watching the movie of my nursing school journey.

The first memory of sitting at a table surrounded by 9 or so other women ranging from the fresh out of college to a little more seasoned (this included me), feeling completely overwhelmed at medication calculation and the fact that I was the only person in the room that was lost in the sauce. PinkEagle made her late debut, the woman who blogged on allnurses the summer before and knew all there was to know about everything and had me thinking I hadn't been accepted! I remember looking at these women and thinking holy crap what have I gotten myself into. In that moment I had no clue that I was sitting at a table with what would become my partners in crime, my closest of friends and two of the reasons I am were I am today, Nat and Fad.

First forward a couple of months later and a incident involving a trash can, first nursing school breakdown. Really not a proud moment for me, I failed big time. I was failing school and felt like I was failing my children at home. Especially Karson who had an interestingly tough day. My darling Kate with her heart on her sleeve. I just wanted to punch something or kick, which I did, hence the trash can. She came running down the hall after me saying all the right things. That girl is a special one. Before I knew it we were holding her while she broke down, because let's face it real life doesn't stop during nursing school. In that first semester mix was a teary eyed study session where t-cells were the topic of conversation. Also the nicknaming of the secret ninja Fad who aced Patho like it was her job. Together we prayed as we all struggled to pass Fundamentals...yeah really.

Every semester we thought it will be easier this time around. Hah, damn were we naive. Next up was Adult Health, minus some of our dearest we lost along the way. Still grieving their absence we began our decent into the darkest hole of nursing school. I completely screwed up and I signed up late which meant I was away from my girls and on my own for clinicals. Boy, was that an experience. Those two groups of people at the site that shall remain nameless overcame hell. Many a days we spent in our professors office, begging for any clues as to how to survive. It came down to the final and we were sweating bullets.

Our summer included kids and babies. I wasn't especially happy, well because I wanted to be home with my kids soaking up the summer fun. Nat and Fad though found their passions and for that I was thrilled. Two of the most compassionate people I know. I can't fathom why they would ever want to take care of  sick kids and babies, but I am surely relived knowing these amazing nurses exist and I get to call two of them my friends. That summer I saw babies born vaginally, which I envied and I got to hold a special newborn in which I helped name on Kurt's birthday. It was such a beautiful experience. I also got to relive my horrible experience with an emergency c-section in which I sat and held the grandmother while she cried in complete fear. It had a happy ending and so did the semester minus the group project that nearly crushed my spirit.

The fall came quick with only a few weeks off in between semesters. The girls and I were back together again for our psych clinical which included a ton of laughs and my own close to mental breakdown. Once again the girls talked me off the cliff and in a cosmic comeback I was able to pull off my A by one question on the final. I couldn't even celebrate, I was in complete denial. During this time the entire co-hort stirred over practicum placement and clinical scholar apps. We talked endlessly about it. We literally blinked and the entire semester was over.

Holiday break felt like the longest ever. I was chomping to get this last semester started.
I had my interview and I was offered clinical scholars on the unit where I have been working as a tech for the past year. I am thrilled. Honestly I had no clue where I would end up when nursing school was all said and done. I had no preconceived notions of "what kind of nurse" I wanted to be. I filled out an app to shock trauma on a complete wim, not thinking in a million years I would hear back. I fell in love with trauma patients and the people I came across daily. Sure, there's always challenges and every bit of trauma drama, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. My journey continues there.

Last Tuesday we all came together for our last first day of class. I was excited beyond words, but as I sat in the front row it all became surreal that before we know it, this journey will be complete. Of course we'll be relieved that the hard work is finally over, but how bittersweet is each tear, laugh and relationship we've had with each other and the patients we've interacted with. I am so proud beyond words of the women and men that I will graduate with on May 19. We have all grown in ways we didn't know possible and as we begin the next phase of nursing I know I will take every memory and struggle with me to provide the best care possible to everyone I encounter.

I thought I knew myself and then I went to nursing school.

Hell yeah ya'll we are so close!!! As this chapter comes to an end and I start to anxiously prepare for the NCLEX I know that I will take a moment of time to pat myself on the back for surviving and thriving this program. And I have each and everyone of you who read this to thank!!

This Is Us.

Thanksgiving Eve brings back waves of memories for Kurt & I. Eight years ago, my best friend Michael and I found our way to the Brass Rail in hopes to run into one and only, Kurt Mundell. We sat and giggled as he played the bowling game across the room. Kurt & I flirted, the typical girl likes boy. At this point Kurt and I had our "first date" of Chinese food and we were beginning to spend more and more time together, yet I still had a lingering relationship that was long past its expiration date. That night while Michael and I stumbled out of the bar, Kurt came to say his goodbyes at my car, he grabbed my hand, leaned it and landed a big ol' kiss right smack on my lips. I was so shocked I did not even have a chance to kiss back. He gave me the ultimatum, he told me he was falling for me and he did not want to get hurt. He turned around and left. I on the other hand was still in shock (dumb girl, you knew that was coming). I got in the car stunned, Michael was like, "what just happened?" I cried. I could not imagine not having Kurt in my life and I think in that moment we became us. The day after my phone rang and there he was, my heart fluttered, I hadn't lost my chance and soon after that I found my strength and decided it was time to be happy.

A year after that, Kurt and I were off to downtown Annapolis to meet all of my dearest friends from high school and their significant others. Kurt and I were engaged and living together. I was stunningly happy, I remember curling my hair and taking a purple flower from off the table to wear behind my ear, I felt like I was in a dream. It feels like yesterday. That was when my closest friends got to meet my Kurt. Its been one of the most epic Thanksgiving Eve parties I had attended. I had no clue in the moment, but the memories I was making were our stories I will share with our children and one day grandchildren. That's the funny thing about life, you just go through the moments not realizing the story your creating.

The eve's after those have been somewhat of a blur. At one point we had a Friendsgiving at our house that was absolutely the best! We also fit some babies in those years and I might have worked one or two. Who knows, because after eight years of Thanksgiving Eve's together some things get looked over and moments get forgotten. It shames me to say, but the good news is I have the next eight to try and make up for it.

This time last year I was sitting in the same chair at the same table with Kurt baking bread and the kids running around and screaming. I would not have it any other way, this is us. If anyone else were to walk in this mix they'd probably last all of two minutes. It's loud, it's crazy and to be honest I loose my thoughts about a million times when writing this blog. We don't have a big family, heck it will only be the six of us this year again, but this is us. The kids won't even eat most the food served today, but they will be surrounded by love and hopefully on their way to making moments and memories that they may one day reflect upon. In all of my Thanksgivings, I have made my way around a few different tables, friends, boyfriends, different family members, each one different in their own ways, each one I am still thankful for. For me it doesn't matter where, as long as I have my screaming kids and Kurt's deep friend turkey, that's my Thanksgiving, This is us.

                                                             Thanksgiving 2014

                                                            Thanksgiving 2015

Be True to You.

Another semester down and I'm in the post ictal phase, which means I stare blankly at walls and have issues with the most basic functions. The truth is I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not running around franticly glued to my planner. Now that I'm sitting in traffic on the way to the beach I have alot of time to reflect on the fact that in two semesters I will be a nurse.

It's really easy to lose focus on the WHY of this journey. Instead of getting caught up in the grades, papers and GPAs of nursing school I have to go back to the fundamental reason why I chose this profession in the first place. Thankfully I am reminded of that every time I walk into work.

I step unto the unit eyes glazed over investigating the patient board. I'm assigned my six patients for the day, receive report, clean the vitals machine and embark on my twelve hour shift. Most days I'm lucky to squeeze in a 20 minute lunch break or a post coffee pee. By the end of the shift my brains are mush, my toes are numb and my back is aching. And I'm not even the nurse! So imagine how they feel.

My patients are the reason I love this job. Some are wonderful sharing with me the most intimate details of their accident. Some really just want what they need and send me packing, which is fine too. I'm just honored to take care of them and be a step along their recovery, even if they don't remember my name. My heart is full when I can brush and braid hair, wipe glass from bloody knuckles and just be present for those who are alone.

I pray that in the hussle and bussle of hospital nursing I remember these moments frozen in time engraved in my memory that will guide me throughout this journey. In the end these are the qualities that produce an excellent nurse and when I walk across that stage come May 19th I will hold them dear to me.

And of course I'll have my Kate's voice exclaiming, "B's get degrees" in back of my mind. 😉

Marvelous Mother's Day!

I have to admit this Mother's Day was by far the best yet. In one day I got to do almost everything I love. My girl and I slept in while the boys steady cooked away making Dad's traditional caramel pancake. After delicious breakfast I got to cuddle on the couch to watch My Little Pony while the boys went grocery shopping. We went to Karson's Mother's Day soccer game where I got to coach my boy and my team, now lovingly named Khaos. My brother and the kids surprised my mom at the game. She was over the moon to have both of her children with her on Mom's day, she can be easy to please sometimes. The kids were thrilled to be surprised with their cousins. Kurt made a delicious lunch and dessert, lemon meringue, my Mom and I's favorite. I retired to the couch to sleep off the fullness and one glass of wine I indulged in. We closed the night with my mom and I going to see Mother's Day the movie with nachos and cheese. All in all a wonderful day! Oh and my little gardeners surprised me with new flowers in my outside garden. They have green thumbs and lots of dirt underneath their nails!

Mother's Day came so fast this year. I've been so focused on getting through the last weeks of this semester it was here and gone before I knew it. I literally blinked and I have a 4 year old that will not stop talking, my baby potty trained herself and I am finished my first year of nursing school! What!?! Just goes to show when I say I have a year left and roll my eyes, people are right, it will be over before I know it. I have three short weeks off before I start OB and Peds at AAMC. I'm taking a little break from the city, (not really) I'll be there for class two days a week and my job on the weekends. This eight weeks will be insanity!!! But, I promptly decided we will be taking a little siesta at the beach for baby girl's 3rd birthday because then I only have 3 weeks off again and onto fall semester. Whew. I'm currently waiting for that "ah-ha" moment when I realize what kind of nursing I want to do. Right now, I know what I don't want, which helps a bit.

I'm currently brain dead...literally and awaiting my end of semester grades, which has me all out of whack. The faster I get them, the better so I can just breathe. One day in with no school and I find myself missing something. I came on the computer and Karson insisted I was doing homework, he also thinks because I am taking three weeks off I am no longer a nurse. Poor thing has a lot of faith in me, already calling me a nurse and telling other people too. When I am a wits end with this program, I hear his sweet voice so proud and carry on.

Baby girl straight up decided to tell me she had to pee one day and history was made. I tried to keep putting her in diapers for the convenience of travel for Grammy. She was not having it. I can't believe how easy it came to her. Just goes to show if you don't push kids when they aren't ready, they'll grow and advance when they are. Karson is such the talker, Kurt and I can't get a word in edge wise. He is always interrupting us when we have adult conversation and boy he is always listening. We are having to spell, it's just a matter of time before that doesn't work anymore either. Kurt has been working full time again, he seems to be much happier when he is busy. And wow are we busy. If I lost my planner, I'd be losing my head.

For all the things I've done in my life, Mom has always been the hardest and most rewarding. My heart just swells with love for these children.

The One & Only Kooper.

As I stand scrubbing the massive pile of poop at the sink from my daughter's favorite unicorn pants she proudly exclaims, "I had diarrhea in my pants." I ask her who she is talking to and she looks at me and says Buster cat of course. I peek around the corner and there was the cat, looking at me with such pity. She continues to stand there bottomless with poop completely covering her legs and chomping away at the bag of Mike & Ike's I had given her before the massive explosion was discovered. This child is priceless.

Earlier today was her first riding lesson. We have been talking about riding ponies since Christmas, maybe even before that. I told my mother let's wait until the weather breaks and then you can buy her pony lessons. Well I thought the weather had broke, oops. On a 30 degree windy April day Koop had her first riding lesson. 15 minutes for $15, Daddy's going to have to get a third job to afford this habit. Haha. She talked my ear off the whole ride to the farm. She went from talking about ponies to pickles and even a little nod to farts (you can tell she's a little sister to a rotten 4 year old brother) and an even more childish father. When we got to the farm she touched the Earth with her pink leather cowgirl boots and in that spot she fell in love. Her face was priceless. No camera in the world could capture that child's utter joy. We walked to the barn and met her pony Peanut. All the sudden the talkative little angel was completely quiet. She met the pony and went out to the ring to ride. We put her in the saddle and she knew exactly where to hold the saddle, she's a pro. She rode him the entire time, when it was time to get off she teared up. She relaxed when she got to feed him his treats.

We explored the rest of the farm and took some treats to the other horseys. One of the bigger horses thought Kooper had a treat for him and while she was petting him, he nipped her. I held my breath for the epic let down, but she looked at me puzzled. In that second I knew whatever my reaction would be could set the tone for her love of this animal. I smiled and said silly horsey, he thought you had a treat. She giggled and completely played it off. She amazes me with her laid back personality sometimes. In those moments I can completely see myself in her. Don't get it twisted little miss has a little dash of diva in her also. That's all Grandma. We left the barn, her with Gram and me on my way to school once again. It meant the world to me to be able to see her in her element.I feel like I miss so much going to school and working. I have to admit though, her love of horses is not from me. To be honest I have always kinda feared them. I think Peanut sensed it today, but Kooper was to over the moon to notice. If the love persists it's only matter of time I'll have to ride, to see what the fuss is all about.

After class I picked up the kids to find out Kooper is now biting people. I thought maybe it had to do with the horse, but it's been going on for a little while. It's typically love bites, except when her brother has her pinned, but hey can you blame her. She's pushing all the buttons and testing the waters like a typical 2.5er. Ohh and the tears. Some days I think she cries at least 50 % of the day. In between those tears she's laughing hysterically and making the most funniest of faces while ripping her pigtails out and getting as naked as possible, all while carrying multiple tiny horses or her my little ponies.

The countdown is on for the end of this semester. It has surely been a huge challenge to say the least. "B's get degrees" (Kate, 2015). Bahaha. You know you've been on a paper writing binge when you are citing your personal blog. Surprisingly the clinic portion has been the least stressful aspect. I finally get why all those nurses before me have made nursing school out to be the worst. I always thought how hard could it really be, it's just school. That's hysterical. I can't get over the amount of crap I have learned over the last 6 months and the fact that I have so much more to learn is honestly quite scary. If and when I survive this semester and the subsequent, then there's the real world with real patients I am responsible for. Oh lord, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. My happy self is content with taking vitals and watching the nurses do the real deal.

Until next time when I get a few minutes. Haha. Talk to you in August!

Had I Never Been a Mom.

I can honestly say not once have I ever thought of my life without my children. Where would I be, who would I be, how would I be? In all of the craziness these two little people have brought into my life there has never been a day where I don't thank God for them. Their world revolves around Kurt and myself right now, but I know this is only a phase. One day they will be grown and we'll be called to bail them out (hopefully not literally) and be the punching bag from all the world throws at them. I'm sure I will be nursing heartbreaks, sports injuries and university rejection letters. We will be the foundation for which these children grow and thrive into amazing adults. Talk about responsibility. I have a lot of accomplishments under my belt, and so many more to come, but as a mother I can say raising my children has been the most brilliantly bittersweet accomplishment of my life.

Time travel back to May 2011. Kurt and I had been trying to get pregnant. We weren't worried yet, but we began questioning if we were going to be able to have children. I decided to take our tax returns and go on an unplanned road trip to New Orleans. I was hormonally crazy of the thought that I might not ever become a mother, so let's go on vacation! Side note: As a young girl and teen I never really thought of myself as a motherly type, I had professional aspirations (as I still do) that trumped marriage and happily ever after. Back to the road trip, I remember it clear as day, we were at a gas station when I received a call from my mother who was visiting my brother, his wife and their children. They had exciting news to share, they were pregnant with their third child! I was dumbstruck and I couldn't formulate the right words. I was thrilled for them, but in that instant I realized their was a slight statistical probability that we would never be pregnant. I hung up the phone and began to cry, Kurt looked at me and promised that everything would be fine and we would have a baby too one day. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

We ended up in a dingy tavern on Bourbon Street when I came out of the bathroom to a clairvoyant that said she had a a vision when I walked past her and that I was pregnant. We laughed it off and came home with a funny story. Deep down though I prayed she was right. Weeks later and I was starting a new diet, my body was acting strange and my mother in her infinite wisdom told me, "you better take a pregnancy test". If I had a dollar for every time my mother thought I was pregnant I would be a millionaire by now. Well, obviously she was correct (I'll give her that one). Fast forward 20 weeks into the pregnancy and a day after our ultrasound that gave us quite the scare, I started to spontaneously bleed during my morning pee. I screamed for Kurt, who like always was making me something to eat, he came rushing in and in that second I broke down, I was having a miscarriage. The drive to to the hospital was the most terrifying 5 minutes of my life. I could still feel him moving around and I kept hoping this wasn't the last times I would ever feel this. I literally held my breath and looking back have no idea how I survived that day with the lack of oxygen we both had. When I heard his heartbeat on the monitor the relief I felt, the love I felt for this little baby, who in all honesty I had not yet really formed a bond with was alive and in that instant I became a mother. Momma bear was born and I've never looked back.

Here in the lies the point to all this reminiscing. My dear friends have been through hell and back in an effort to become parents. My heart breaks for every single person out there who wants to become a parent for all the right reasons and can not. I can't imagine the heartbreak they feel, but I can imagine the love they will share for their future children. I can imagine the utter joy of those first beautiful and fleeting moments, the sadness that comes from watching them grow to fast. This world can be a dark place, but children are our light, our hope for a better future. The eternal optimist in me believes this wholeheartedly. Some people are born to be parents, they have that special something from the beginning, my friend Lisa has this. I want this baby for them so badly I might have thought about giving them one of mine (haha). In all honesty, YOU have the ability to help them in becoming parents. If you are one, you know these emotions I am sharing with you, if you aren't one, well you came from somewhere and I can guarantee someone shares the same feelings about you. Please I am begging you to look at their Facebook page, click "like" and follow us in this remarkable journey. This is only a portion of their story and I know the best is yet to come! Let's make 2016 the year of baby!

https://www.facebook.com/lisaandmaryadoptionhopes/

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Costa Rican Crazy.

After being home for two days I am just now getting around to blogging. Costa Rica only has a one hour time difference, but a complete lifestyle 360, getting back into the USA hustle and bustle has been a bit of a challenge. Whew and just in time for the New Year. What a year it has been, I celebrated 40 in Cali and 60 in Costa Rica with my two bestest friends, the best part I didn't have to hit a milestone age. Although, both of my counter parts make those ages look pretty fabulous.

I have to say CR was my most relaxing vacation, a lot of down time to reflect and meditate. I attempted to disconnect and be present within the moment. Definitely something I am continuously trying to work on. The airplane rides were actually pretty awesome, first class does make all the difference and the warm nuts and wine...um yes please! We landed smoothly and had the ultimate hot flash. We went from a mere raining 60 to a sizzling 90. We shuttled to our car rental and I was happy when they were able to give me a hot spot since a GPS was not available. I literally would still be lost in a volcano if it had not been for that miracle of a hot spot. We managed to find our way to the villa and communicate veinte y nueve. Our view was breathtaking and so was the fact that we had no air! We ventured to the local grocery store where we quickly learned not all places will take US dollars and if they do your getting colones back. No worries, they take Visa. Hermosa is a quaint little town that has a mix of English speakers and not. Let's just say I was channeling my inner high school Spanish, especially when it came to ordering McDonald's (yes, you read that right) we flew to Central America and my mother still found a McDonald's.

I learned three value lessons: 1. Costa Rican people have beautiful souls. Among all of our journeys in the short time we were there, we never encountered a negative person. Smiling is absolutely contagious. 2. Plantains are the most underrated fruit in America, seriously. We rolled up on an authentic breakfast buffet on our way to the beach one day and I accidentally received this mush of something brown that sort of resembled some parts of bacon, wrong! It was better than bacon, dare I say. 3. You can take me to Central America and I will still be a forest girl over a beach girl. It doesn't matter where the sand is, I despise it. I still rather have giant bugs and monkey's possibly throw feces at me.

After our day of sunburing at la playa Hermosa, we spent the evening Netflixing romantic comedies and eating Ramen Noodles. I was proud of mom, she stayed up til 11! We slept in a tiny double, because it was the only room with the air that seemed to be working. At one point, Mom stated "Kurt and Craig would be so pissed to know we traveled to CR to Netflix." Hahaha. Good thing they'll never read this. The next day we decided to venture out to Arenal Volcano which was about a 3 hour drive, no biggie we decided, no worse than OC at home. Yeahhh ok. On our way there we drove on 1, which would be our equivalent to 95. No lines, no street signs, no lights and no freaking policia. We seriously watched a head on collision happen in front of our eyes. I was so scared on that road I didn't know if I was going to vomit or crap my pants. We eventually made it to The Springs resort and it was totally worth it. We soaked in the hot springs, had a wonderful lunch and ventured to the animal sanctuary, which was the most awesome animal experience I ever had! My mother who boycotts anything animal at home was even impressed. We made it home in the pitch dark with the hot spot and cell dying with 2% battery. Mom was in tears and I couldn't stop laughing.

The next day bright and early we were off to the sugar cane and jungle tour. I popped a Dramamine due to the bus and boat ride and boy was I out of it when it wore off. The plantation was 150 years old and iguanas came up to your feet when you were eating. Just a tad freaky, but still awesome. Glad I had sneakers on, didn't want to loose a toe. On the jungle tour we saw animals in the wild and was fed another scrumptious meal. All in all, CRs know how to eat!!! I can't believe a vacation that we've had on the calendar for almost two years has come and gone.

Every year I say the same thing..what a year, it was amazing, the best yet! It's not that we don't have challenges or hard times, but we push forward and learn the lessons that life has to offer. I enjoy the journey and laugh along the way. I don't make resolutions per say, but I do make a post it that simply says, LIVE!

Next up on the adventures of the Mundell's while I am on break, double potty training. Lord give me strength.

Home Sweet Grateful.

Thanksgiving morning and I am home. I went to the movies last night, I slept in my own bed and now I am enjoying a bowl of Lucky Charms while my kids pick out the marshmallows and my husband gets flustered over the mixer and making bread. Is it grand? Probably not, but it's exactly where I want to be. Over the last five or six years I had missed my fair share of holidays and honestly my heart wasn't broken, the holidays had never been the same after my grandmother died. That has all changed since these little people have taken over my life. To see the joy in Karson's face when we woke up this morning and told him that today is finally Thanksgiving! I could not imagine missing that or when he dumps the yeast on the floor and cries about his father not allowing him to eat raw bread dough. You see our life is a complete cluster, so is our house, which is why I am blogging currently to avoid cleaning. I know the days are long, but the years are fast and before I know it Karson will be leaving to spend Thanksgiving at his girlfriend's house (or boyfriend's). I'm thankful that today I am home, not sitting in an empty office or watching a family cry over their dead loved one. I know that these holidays at home are limited, this one and the next to be exact and then it's back to shift work, missed holidays and crying loved ones all over again, just in a hospital this time.

I have a certain respect for all those who miss out, I've been there and I'll be back there sooner than later. Give thanks, those of you who were able to sleep in your bed and wake up to your kids (or fur-baby's) because of other people's sacrifices. No one wants to miss out, it's just part of life that some us have to and usually it's for the greater good of our community. Cheers to you and thank you for working so that I don't have to (today).

Oh... what a three months! Blink...we are here. Everyday there's been a challenge, Karson having a nuclear meltdown in the parking lot of preschool for my mom, me failing my fundamentals skill check, Kurt worrying endlessly and Kooper just going along for the ride (that was just one day). We've managed and surprisingly its worked out. The kids are on a routine schedule, which is amazing! I loved our feral days, but the kids in bed by 8 gives me the time I need at night to get work in. The worst part of it all is that I don't get to wake up with the kiddos when they are fresh and full of morning cuddles and conversations. This week has been a wonderful up for air moment. Just in time to finish this race with a super sprint.

I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to be in nursing school. I'm thankful of the endless support that I have in my corner. When I don't think I can do it, I have a cheering section that is louder than the doubts. I have two little people who are so proud of me and tell people that their mommy is a nurse (not quite yet kiddos). In addition to my family and friends who have my back, I have made connections with some of my classmates within the last twelve weeks that I never would have dreamed of. I feel like I've know these ladies my whole life. We are all different, each of us with personality traits and skills that compliment each other. Everyone warned me that nursing school would be different, they were right in one respect nursing is a team sport, if one of us fails we all fail. There is no competition, not one ill will. School is challenging and leaving my kids is hard, but these ladies make it a lot more tolerable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Within the last 24 hours I've seen engagements, deaths and baby announcements. Life is beautiful, the ultimate gift, be thankful for one more day on this Earth, be thankful for everyday on this Earth, the great and the challenging.

Chapter 28.

I've been in a strange place lately. A little excited, apprehensive, guilt ridden, melancholy...you name the emotion and I am sure I've felt it. The other day in Jazzercise class (yes you read that right, Jazzercise is no joke), I had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess it’s the one that I have been waiting for, the one that I blogged about last month. While sweating my ass off, barely breathing, jamming out to a song that was singing, "I'm ready for this, there's no denying", my instructor was talking about her new life's chapter about moving out of state and it just hit me. Before I knew it I was crying, thank God I was sweating so hard you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. As she talked about being ready for her new chapter, her positive energy just flooded over me, like it was contagious. It’s really hard to describe the feeling of relief, a moment of clarity, a long awaited sign. In that moment all the emotions that have been a jumbled mess were united and I was strong, fearless, and positive. With all these emotions I have let them damper my gratefulness. I've done the exact opposite of what I preach, I haven't been living every day as a gift. I have two weeks until I start my next chapter and I still feel the emotions, but I am aware that although this beautifully written chapter of my life is coming to a close, I am thrilled to be starting a new one. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start a new one. I have those closest to me to thank: God, my husband, my mother, Craig, my kids, my friends, my co-workers. All you have been so supportive in my journey, in my book, whether it’s been in the past chapters or the ones I'm about to write. I'm ready, bring it on!

Since my last post Kurt, Kooper and I have had birthdays. Kurt and I celebrated on the west coast in San Fran. That trip was amazing, much needed. First of all, the weather over there is to die for. The sights are indescribable. I don't think we ate anything that wasn't awesome. I even enjoyed the plane rides (yeah, I needed that vacation when I am admitting that)! Kurt turned 40, I swear you'd never know, he doesn't age. We brought in chapter 40 sitting on a bar stool in the most dark dingy smelly old bar in San Fran. It served Pabst on tap, live music from musicians originally from MD and the friendliest people from the east coast. If you know Kurt, than you know this was the perfect way for him to celebrate. To see the happiness on his face, the relaxation in his grip, the ease of his jamming to the music made me fall in love all over again. This man just isin't my father's children (our roles of parents sometimes seem like our main ones), he is the man that seven years ago made me realize how a woman is supposed to be treated. I never not once doubted the chapters I was writing with him. He debuted in chapter 21 and if I'm lucky he'll be a main character until my book ends. 

As I've grown older I've learned lessons that I never thought I would have to. I learned there is a season for some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the memories, have love in my heart always for them, but sometimes you just have to let go. You have to understand that you can't force a relationship. This whole idea just about kills me. I'm an eternal optimist who hates burnt bridges, conflict or unpleasant feelings. My greatest fear in life is to live with regret. I see people who have loved ones who die prematurely or sudden and they are left with some form of regret. Whether it's not spending enough time with them, enabling them, not having a relationship with them at all. These people have to live with this for the rest of their lives. I can't, I won't. I haven't really come up with the conversation yet, but I will have to have one. Regret is not going to control my life. Then there is the other side to this conversation, when the other person doesn't care or acknowledge there's an issue. Ignoring problems in relationships is such the easy way out. This rant is not intentionally passive aggressive, the person this is about will never see it. It's toxic really and before I start my new chapter I had to say something to someone while I still muster up the courage to confront my feelings head on.

Enough feels already! Back to good news. Karson went to his first soccer practice for the new season last night and I was shocked. He went right onto the field, met his coach and only came to me to hydrate, he gave me a couple thumbs up. I know it was tough last season with his separation anxiety, but I am so glad I pushed him through it. He now walks into preschool like he owns it, meets new friends and introduces himself as Karson Mundell. I could not be prouder. He has blossomed into such a wonderful young man. We are currently working on respect and responsibility, we've had a couple time outs, but overall he is grasping the concepts. 

 Kooper turned 2! Where has my baby gone? She is such a spirited little thing. A little tom girl with some diva wrapped up in her. She is obsessed with horses, we have to sleep with a plastic horse jammed into my ribs. She loves animals! We took her to the zoo, she was in heaven. No fear. She wants to pet all the animals. She starts preschool next week. We will be going through the separation anxiety all over again, but at least this time we have some experience under our belts. I've conveniently made sure I have two hours to sit in the parking lot before I have to get to class myself. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's a brave girl.

We finished our summer off with a wonderful first family camping trip to Frontier Town in OC and we had a relaxing time (as relaxing as it can be with a 2 and 3 year old). We went to Assateague, biked on the broad walk, splashed in the water park and turned technology off. It was refreshing and when I am at my wits end this semester, I will look back, take deep breaths and plant myself in that sand with the breeze. Second thought, minus the sand, because honestly that stuff sticks to everything, it is even worse with tiny people. 

                               Goodbye Summer! Hello Back to School, for all of us this time!

News & Nerves.

After a longggg brutal wait I found out I was accepted to the UMD School of Nursing CNL masters program for fall 2015. I don't know why, but I was one of the last to be interviewed. I will never get the rolling admissions process, but who cares now right?! I started this process back in September of last year. I had my sights set on this program since Spring 2011. To say it has been a long process is an understatement. Once I submitted my first application (I had to send a second, it was mysteriously lost) in December, I did not hear anything until May for an interview (after I had stalked the website endlessly). I was also following a blog for perspective nursing students, which did nothing but make my anxiety worse and convinced me I was not even going to be asked for interview, which I knew was crap because everyone that met minimal requirements got one. 

The big day came and I had the perfect dress, one that my mother insisted on buying me months ago when I had lost a little weight (I did not want to jinx it, but she called it "the interview" dress). I left the house like two hours before interview, it was nap time and I did not want to interfere with our regularly maintained schedule. I sat outside the building downtown in the most beautiful garden. I sat and people watched, let my mind wonder, scoped out nursing students, watched the insanity unfold across the street at the ER. I asked myself, "can you do this?" I wish I had some brilliant epiphany to share with you all, unfortunately I do not and I continue to ask myself this very question every day. Of course, mom and Kurt reassure me they can handle it, "they got this". I don't for one second doubt them. It's not them, it's me. Mom guilt has ultimately consumed me. I'm being selfish, I don't want to miss a second with my kids, but I'm so thankful to have had the past two years at home with them. You see I am a walking, talking conundrum. People say, "do it now, before they get older, that's when they really need you." I see their point, but I'm an attachment parent, for Christ's sake my kids nap with me everyday. This is more about letting go of our normal lifestyle and all about reforming our lives into a structured existence, this scares the crap out of me. The work is going to be nearly impossible (both my school work and our work at home), our schedules are going to consist of colored blocks in hour intervals. I'm going to miss the hell out of my husband and kids and I hope they don't miss me, not for a second. 

The counselor tells me it's all about balance and that at some point throughout the program I will say to myself that I am a horrible mother. Well that's reassuring. In a way I like the bluntness, that's how we roll. Kurt and I both agree that two years will fly by and before I know it I will be blogging about graduation and a new exciting career. If anything is certain time does not stop and my darlings are growing before my eyes. Both of them will be in preschool this year. 

 Last time I blogged I felt like I was in a tidal wave of emotions and I couldn't breathe. Karson was just about driving me nuts. His anxiety and emotions were off the rector scale. We had just tried soccer and that was a big fail. Well I am happy to report after that first horrid week, he warmed up, he really bonded with his coach and he began to make progress. He left my side and actually stayed on the field, towards the end he even scored a couple times. He received his first trophy and told me proudly that he was a soccer star! We signed him up for fall ball and the aliens seemed to have returned my son, for the most part, I mean he is still a three-nager and ranges through emotions from zero to ten. We talked with a doctor and it seems he has high anxiety like his Dad, well duh. We got a couple tips to handle it at this age, but really it will all come down to when he is a bit older. Kurt read an article about high maintenance kids and laughed while they described our son to a tee.

Kooper is still in Rolly Pollies, she loves it and is fearless. She turns the big 2 next month and after that I might attempt to sign her up for dance lessons for the fall. I don't know though, she might be the real soccer star. Ball was one of her first words and she has a mean kick. Currently I am in overdrive preparing for her Team Umizoomi party, Of course she had to have a theme that Party City does not have in store. That's okay, one last crafting project before I start school won't hurt right?

We have a ridiculously busy summer, literally every weekend we have something going on. We just got back from a camping weekend at Jellystone. Kurt and I are leaving next week for his big 4-0 celebration in San Francisco. I am complete nerves every time I think about boarding an airplane. When we come back from that we have camping down the Ocean. All while preparing for nursing school, which doesn't seem like much, but trust me it is! I bought one of my textbooks early and have been working through relearning basic math skills so that I can do the dosage calculations that I will be tested on after the first two weeks of school. Nahh no pressure! 

This seemingly short post took about three hours to write, we had to stop for breakfast, pollies class, two poop explosions and finally lunch! Sure this school work think will be no problem at all ;0)

Ultimate Challenges.

When I decided on a title for my blog years ago, it was obvious. At the time I was anxiously awaiting to give birth to my first born. We had so many ups and downs with Karson's pregnancy I just kept telling myself, whatever will be, will be. You see this saying has always played an instrumental part in my life. As a young child my mom sang me this song, "Que Sera Sera." In researching where this song came from I found it is a hybrid language between Spanish and Latin, it's from an Alfred Hitchock movie "The Man Who Knew Too Much" starring Doris Day. Up until the age of 23 I thought this song was made up for me exclusively by my Mom. Que Sera sounded like a jumbled version of Kasey. (You have to remember I am partially dyslexic). At age 23 I decided as a tribute to my Mom and a constant reminder to myself I got this tattooed on my right wrist. It's amazing to me with the words scrolled permanently in my skin I fight so hard to have control of EVERYTHING in my life. That's where I am as I sit here today, fighting the words that have guided me through out my life.

On the opposite side of the spectrum I have taken a hold of my life in ways I can positively make a change, my health! Since puberty I have always had extra weight on my body. After two years of being pregnant my body looks like its been through a mauling. Each time in an effort to loose my baby weight I did Weight Watchers, and that was great, but I was still fueling my addiction to fast food. I knew I had to get active and quick or I was never going to make any change. About a year ago my Mom joined Jazzercise, I was intrigued. I went to one class and I was hooked and drenched from sweat. I was so impressed with these ladies, some triple my age and built like brick houses. For over a year I went, sometimes 3-4 times a week, sometimes less...like not at all, for a month. This past February they were doing a challenge 30 classes in 35 days. I went back and forth with committing. I finally presented the idea to Kurt and Mom, I needed reinforcements for childcare. They accepted the challenge with me. An addiction was born. I completed my challenge and felt energized and alive. BUT I was still eating crap! That's when I saw a former co-worker of mine's journey as a coach for Beachbody. She was starting a 21 day fix group. After research and commitment from Kurt that he would support and cook for me, God, I love that man! I jumped on board. In the beginning I am not going to lie, I was freaking hungry. I felt light headed and tired all the time. I stuck with it and started to notice changes. Only 21 days and I lost 9 pounds and several inches. I saw 158 on the scale, I didn't even know this was possible. Today is day 22 and after a cheese steak that made me feel like death last night, I'm back on board with clean eating. For all the skeptics out there reading this, if I can do this, YOU CAN! Give it a chance. I'm in no way gaining from this public service announcement HAHA. I've decided my long term goal is to rock a bikini when I go to the Ocean in August for our girls get a way trip, tiger stripes and all! I start my next endeavor with team Beachbody May 4th, Body Beast! I am a beast ;)

                                            BEFORE                                        AFTER

I was terrified to post these pictures on social media and then I thought to myself, screw it, I worked hard for these results and I am ready to show it off!

Now back to the reality that is really the challenge for me right now. My dear sweet boy has always been a bit anxious. I've always been concerned with his demeanor at times, specifically the tantrums. As of late they are exacerbated by triggers. Triggers include: putting his utensils in his food, if I do this I have to wash the utensil and give it back to him. He will not take off his winter jacket beyond the house, it must be zipped to his neck. If his father is around forget it, I can't do anything for him. Those are just the ones at the tip of my mind. Now if you know Kurt or if you've read my blog you'd know he suffers from debilitating anxiety and has several OCD tendencies. I was unaware of this until we had kids, not that it would matter, I'd love that man no matter what. I know Kurt's heart is breaking because he feels partially responsible for Karson's challenges. Unfortunately, that's the gene pool. In the past I have always been Karson's safe haven. I knew what triggered him, I avoided those things at all costs and if he flipped I was there to calm and recenter him. I can't anymore and I'm crying as I write this. I don't know what I can do to help my boy. We've decided as a family to see a therapist in an effort to work with Karson and attempt cognitive behavioral therapy. As a mother, I need tools and resources to teach me how to properly help him. I'm not trying to change Karson, never, I need to change my parenting ways. 

Last Saturday was Karson's first soccer game. I knew it was going to be rough, he was really sick after preschool Friday. Well I pushed it anyway and we went. Karson was completely disengaged and wouldn't say anything but the classic, "I want Daddy." We avoided this Thursday night at soccer practice by having Kurt not be there. How sad is it that he has to miss all these firsts because Kurt triggers Karson's anxiety and vice versa. Karson was excellent Thursday night, he was a little clown. I was over the moon and so proud. Well back to Saturday, it was horrid. I finally lost it, I scooped Karson up and just started walking and walking. I have no idea where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I lost it. I had rage fill me. If you know me, you know I have the patience of a saint. I sat Karson down and had to walk away. I was so frustrated I had to walk away from my 3 year old. I'm ashamed. I could care less if he played soccer (he's the one who brought it up to us), its that he won't even try. He literally gets paralyzed by anxiety. I can't count how many times a day he says, "he's scared." The rest of the day I stewed and hated myself for my behavior. For a second, I gave up, I gave up on my son. 

I guess as a parent these are memories we sit back one day and say to ourselves,"They survived, we survived." 

Let me say once again for all you people that are reading this thinking I am complaining or ungrateful, I fight everyday for my family, I love my son and I will continue to make sure he has everything he needs in life to thrive. 

By the grace of God I have been blessed in this life with two happy and healthy children and a man who drives me flipping nuts in every good way possible. My love and dedication to them makes me the best person I can be. 

Within the next few weeks I am hoping to share exciting news, but for now I am all about not jinxing it, so until its official I am going to have to leave it To Be Continued...

Soak It Up.

My darling boy turned 3 this past week. Let me repeat that last sentence...I AM A MOTHER TO A 3 YEAR OLD! Where have the nights of endless crying gone, where have the worries of having a non-verbal toddler go, when has my precious baby grown up on me? I know when you're in the moment, completely overwhelmed and underappreciated, and someone (usually a nice older person) tells you to enjoy every moment, soak it up, "they'll be grown before you know it", you probably want to kill them. If you're like me you just smile and nod, thinking to yourself "are they freaking insane", I haven't showered in days, or took a pee by myself in years!?! Don't even get me started on the neglect of my husband (who most days feels like just another zoo keeper). I can't believe I'm admitting it out loud, but they are right. Don't blink...sure complain, get it out of your system, have bad days, admit it, it's all about survival, you are human Super Mom, but don't ever...not for one second wish that time away. Before you know it, you'll be writing a post about how your baby, the only first born you'll ever have, is talking to you like a real person. You'll struggle to remember those first labor pains, the sore milk filled boobs, the way they felt when they fit perfectly into your arms. I sit here writing this tearing up. Those are days I will never get back and memories I will never make again, not with this child or with any other.

I am ashamed to admit I took those days, many months and milestones with Karson for granted. I was a first time clueless Mom. I was lonely, though in reality I was never alone, I always had my little guy with me. I suffered from the baby blues, I wondered why I didn't feel and look like every other Mom grinning and just over the moon plastering pictures to show all over Facebook. I had no idea what I was doing, or how important the job I had been given really was. When he started growing, I would rush him. Rush him to stop breastfeeding, rush him to sit up, crawl, stand up, walk, getting off the bottle, talk. You name it and I rushed it! Damn, I was dumb. I look at pictures and videos and kick myself in the ass over and over again. What I would not give to have those moments back. My vow to this crazy, anxious, sweet, spoiled rotten little boy is to NEVER rush him again. He is his father's son and everything is on his terms and you know what, I am completely okay with that. So you know what, he'll wear diapers until he's ready, he'll sleep with his Daddy until he's ready to stop. Is this lazy parenting, the easy way out, sure you can look at it that way. Am I letting my child dictate to me? If you think so. But like I tell people, when you wipe his butt and kiss his boo-boos, then and only then can you tell me how to raise my kid.

So Mom, I have this infinite wisdom to share. You might have days that feel never ending, but the years fly by; sit down, relax and enjoy the ride and learn by my mistake and don't rush!

New Year, New Memories.

Happy 2015!!!

 

I can't get over how fast the last year has gone. It utterly depresses me that I have not blogged since last June. I can't even begin to catch up with all that's happened with our crew, our life changes on a daily basis. I don't make resolutions, but I try to come with ideas to better myself for the New Year. Three years ago I began this blog while I was pregnant with Karson, it was my New Year's resolution for 2013 and for the first time I did remarkably well on a resolution. It wasn't until now that I've really slacked off. And it’s not like I haven't thought about blogging, I have actually attempted several times. I have the drafts as proof! I usually get a couple sentences in and the water works start, or someone poops. Story of my life.


In an attempt to replay the last six months of my life, I'll bullet point:


July: Kurt and I had our birthdays, the big 27 and 39. We had a wonderful night’s stay at a Baltimore hotel. My brother and sister in law were also there celebrating their summer birthdays. Grams had all five kids (bless her heart). We had a wonderful time, ate the best ribs of my life and had adult conversation. I love spending time with my brother and Kellie, it doesn't happen often that we don't have kids demanding something from us. Oh and I finally made it to Artscape (I've only been attempting that since I was 18). We bought Natty Boh art and we love it.

August: Beanie turned one! My sweet girl decided to take a couple of her first steps while she was opening presents. She's such a show-off! The weather was beautiful and company was even better. My Uncle Vi was able to be there (at this point it was hit or miss due to his health). We had a blast, swam, had slip and slide races, all while celebrating our hippie chick! After the party Grammy and Pop left us for Sturgis (they were gone for three weeks!) Felt like forever and we were left in charge of the bus company. Let's just say we were glad to have them back!

September: We went camping for the annual bike week down Frontier Town. Karson loves camping! He would go every weekend if he could. The year prior we had a horrible time. This year we had fun, we shopped and made it down to the ocean for some boardwalk time. Now that I think about it Karson was feeling sick and he ended up sleeping the whole ride home.

 
Karson started PRESCHOOL! He is a furry friend in the 2 year old program at Magothy. Whew. The transition was hard for Karson. I got called back to school a couple times because they could not settle him down. I actually got used to just sitting in the parking lot for two hours. I was strong about the separation for the most part. Kurt couldn't handle it, he went once and that was that. Karson has grown leaps and bounds and is finally adjusted!


October: We had a weekend camping trip with the cousins for Halloween! Karson was in heaven. I had asked Karson what he wanted to be for Halloween and he told me, "A TRASH TRUCK". Of course. So, I began to research. I tried to get out of making the costume, but frankly no one sells them. I originally recruited Kurt for the job, but he didn't have the same creative vision. I might be a perfectionist, so I took over. About 20 hours went into the project and maybe $40 spent for a family of four on Halloween costumes! Koop was the fly to Karson's trash truck and Mommy and Daddy were the trash men. Our costume was a hit! And Karson wore that trash truck so proudly!!!

I found out I did not get accepted into the PA program. I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out. I decided to start researching other programs and went back to my original plan for UMD nursing school.


November: I got sick for two weeks with a crazy illness that would not go away! Moms don't have time to get sick, are you kidding me! We had a great holiday with my cousins. Unfortunately, Uncle Vi's health had taken a turn for the worst and he was unable to be there. A week later and he was gone. By the grace of God his suffering was cut short. We all celebrated his life the way he would want, a big Italian meal with family close. My Uncle Vi was a standup man. They don't make them like him anymore. He was genuinely the definition of timeless. He taught by example. Family was life. He was our patriarch, always there in the corner, the first in line for food and the one shaking his head with a smile on his face. I will miss him always and cherish the memories and ALWAYS put my family first.


Oh and beanie had her cyst removal surgery the day before Thanksgiving. She did awesome! I was pretty calm for the most part. I went back with her while they put her under. That was pretty tough and the nurse asked me if I was going to cry, but I rocked it. It was the longest hour of my life. Thank God for that long ass article of Jennifer Lawrence in Vogue. She styled her eye shield for three days.

December: I had a girl's night in the Big Apple planned for some time and it was finally here! I was nervous, excited, felt a little guilty. I didn't realize how much I needed that trip! I laughed, I cried, I saw Jake Gyllenhaal and danced my face off! It was like a breath of fresh air, a therapy session. I was myself, not a mom. I was Kasey, the fun, the loud, the pushy. I'm still here under all this snot and worry. Thank you girls for that trip! I love you both. Our Christmas was low key and just right. The kids were treated wonderfully, but not spoiled. We got some fun stuff, like bikes and Mommy's favorite, Play-Doh and Sands Alive! Karson understood the Santa concept this year and that was fun. I've always had an empty feeling about Christmas, pretty much ever since my Grandmother died. I finally feel fulfilled. The Christmas spirit is contagious when you have little ones.

Courtesy of Ashley Landon Photography

 
We rang in the New Year tugged under the covers in our warm bed! Both kids had been a little under the weather and we just wanted to be lazy. I knew it was midnight by the sounds of the fireworks going off. I paused my Netflix show, turned to my sleeping babes and kissed them both. My favorite New Year’s kiss ever.


All the while Daddy has been chugging away at school and has one more semester! He is loving the cooking, not so much the papers. I might have bailed him out on one or two times. We aren't entirely sure what he is going to do with the certificate, maybe nothing right now. He has started car hauling for my stepdad and he seems optimistic about it. I've been working 15-20 shifts on call and the death investigation business always keeps me entertained. I recently have been getting my application together for the deadline.
 

Karson and Kooper are happy, healthy, brilliant babies! Karson is very into trucks, knows his alphabet and is extremely active. Kooper is addicted to me (and nursing, yes still), she loves everything girlie and has to have her pearls on before she leaves the house. Every day is an adventure with these two. I never know what the day will bring and I love it!