Had I Never Been a Mom.

I can honestly say not once have I ever thought of my life without my children. Where would I be, who would I be, how would I be? In all of the craziness these two little people have brought into my life there has never been a day where I don't thank God for them. Their world revolves around Kurt and myself right now, but I know this is only a phase. One day they will be grown and we'll be called to bail them out (hopefully not literally) and be the punching bag from all the world throws at them. I'm sure I will be nursing heartbreaks, sports injuries and university rejection letters. We will be the foundation for which these children grow and thrive into amazing adults. Talk about responsibility. I have a lot of accomplishments under my belt, and so many more to come, but as a mother I can say raising my children has been the most brilliantly bittersweet accomplishment of my life.

Time travel back to May 2011. Kurt and I had been trying to get pregnant. We weren't worried yet, but we began questioning if we were going to be able to have children. I decided to take our tax returns and go on an unplanned road trip to New Orleans. I was hormonally crazy of the thought that I might not ever become a mother, so let's go on vacation! Side note: As a young girl and teen I never really thought of myself as a motherly type, I had professional aspirations (as I still do) that trumped marriage and happily ever after. Back to the road trip, I remember it clear as day, we were at a gas station when I received a call from my mother who was visiting my brother, his wife and their children. They had exciting news to share, they were pregnant with their third child! I was dumbstruck and I couldn't formulate the right words. I was thrilled for them, but in that instant I realized their was a slight statistical probability that we would never be pregnant. I hung up the phone and began to cry, Kurt looked at me and promised that everything would be fine and we would have a baby too one day. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

We ended up in a dingy tavern on Bourbon Street when I came out of the bathroom to a clairvoyant that said she had a a vision when I walked past her and that I was pregnant. We laughed it off and came home with a funny story. Deep down though I prayed she was right. Weeks later and I was starting a new diet, my body was acting strange and my mother in her infinite wisdom told me, "you better take a pregnancy test". If I had a dollar for every time my mother thought I was pregnant I would be a millionaire by now. Well, obviously she was correct (I'll give her that one). Fast forward 20 weeks into the pregnancy and a day after our ultrasound that gave us quite the scare, I started to spontaneously bleed during my morning pee. I screamed for Kurt, who like always was making me something to eat, he came rushing in and in that second I broke down, I was having a miscarriage. The drive to to the hospital was the most terrifying 5 minutes of my life. I could still feel him moving around and I kept hoping this wasn't the last times I would ever feel this. I literally held my breath and looking back have no idea how I survived that day with the lack of oxygen we both had. When I heard his heartbeat on the monitor the relief I felt, the love I felt for this little baby, who in all honesty I had not yet really formed a bond with was alive and in that instant I became a mother. Momma bear was born and I've never looked back.

Here in the lies the point to all this reminiscing. My dear friends have been through hell and back in an effort to become parents. My heart breaks for every single person out there who wants to become a parent for all the right reasons and can not. I can't imagine the heartbreak they feel, but I can imagine the love they will share for their future children. I can imagine the utter joy of those first beautiful and fleeting moments, the sadness that comes from watching them grow to fast. This world can be a dark place, but children are our light, our hope for a better future. The eternal optimist in me believes this wholeheartedly. Some people are born to be parents, they have that special something from the beginning, my friend Lisa has this. I want this baby for them so badly I might have thought about giving them one of mine (haha). In all honesty, YOU have the ability to help them in becoming parents. If you are one, you know these emotions I am sharing with you, if you aren't one, well you came from somewhere and I can guarantee someone shares the same feelings about you. Please I am begging you to look at their Facebook page, click "like" and follow us in this remarkable journey. This is only a portion of their story and I know the best is yet to come! Let's make 2016 the year of baby!

https://www.facebook.com/lisaandmaryadoptionhopes/

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Costa Rican Crazy.

After being home for two days I am just now getting around to blogging. Costa Rica only has a one hour time difference, but a complete lifestyle 360, getting back into the USA hustle and bustle has been a bit of a challenge. Whew and just in time for the New Year. What a year it has been, I celebrated 40 in Cali and 60 in Costa Rica with my two bestest friends, the best part I didn't have to hit a milestone age. Although, both of my counter parts make those ages look pretty fabulous.

I have to say CR was my most relaxing vacation, a lot of down time to reflect and meditate. I attempted to disconnect and be present within the moment. Definitely something I am continuously trying to work on. The airplane rides were actually pretty awesome, first class does make all the difference and the warm nuts and wine...um yes please! We landed smoothly and had the ultimate hot flash. We went from a mere raining 60 to a sizzling 90. We shuttled to our car rental and I was happy when they were able to give me a hot spot since a GPS was not available. I literally would still be lost in a volcano if it had not been for that miracle of a hot spot. We managed to find our way to the villa and communicate veinte y nueve. Our view was breathtaking and so was the fact that we had no air! We ventured to the local grocery store where we quickly learned not all places will take US dollars and if they do your getting colones back. No worries, they take Visa. Hermosa is a quaint little town that has a mix of English speakers and not. Let's just say I was channeling my inner high school Spanish, especially when it came to ordering McDonald's (yes, you read that right) we flew to Central America and my mother still found a McDonald's.

I learned three value lessons: 1. Costa Rican people have beautiful souls. Among all of our journeys in the short time we were there, we never encountered a negative person. Smiling is absolutely contagious. 2. Plantains are the most underrated fruit in America, seriously. We rolled up on an authentic breakfast buffet on our way to the beach one day and I accidentally received this mush of something brown that sort of resembled some parts of bacon, wrong! It was better than bacon, dare I say. 3. You can take me to Central America and I will still be a forest girl over a beach girl. It doesn't matter where the sand is, I despise it. I still rather have giant bugs and monkey's possibly throw feces at me.

After our day of sunburing at la playa Hermosa, we spent the evening Netflixing romantic comedies and eating Ramen Noodles. I was proud of mom, she stayed up til 11! We slept in a tiny double, because it was the only room with the air that seemed to be working. At one point, Mom stated "Kurt and Craig would be so pissed to know we traveled to CR to Netflix." Hahaha. Good thing they'll never read this. The next day we decided to venture out to Arenal Volcano which was about a 3 hour drive, no biggie we decided, no worse than OC at home. Yeahhh ok. On our way there we drove on 1, which would be our equivalent to 95. No lines, no street signs, no lights and no freaking policia. We seriously watched a head on collision happen in front of our eyes. I was so scared on that road I didn't know if I was going to vomit or crap my pants. We eventually made it to The Springs resort and it was totally worth it. We soaked in the hot springs, had a wonderful lunch and ventured to the animal sanctuary, which was the most awesome animal experience I ever had! My mother who boycotts anything animal at home was even impressed. We made it home in the pitch dark with the hot spot and cell dying with 2% battery. Mom was in tears and I couldn't stop laughing.

The next day bright and early we were off to the sugar cane and jungle tour. I popped a Dramamine due to the bus and boat ride and boy was I out of it when it wore off. The plantation was 150 years old and iguanas came up to your feet when you were eating. Just a tad freaky, but still awesome. Glad I had sneakers on, didn't want to loose a toe. On the jungle tour we saw animals in the wild and was fed another scrumptious meal. All in all, CRs know how to eat!!! I can't believe a vacation that we've had on the calendar for almost two years has come and gone.

Every year I say the same thing..what a year, it was amazing, the best yet! It's not that we don't have challenges or hard times, but we push forward and learn the lessons that life has to offer. I enjoy the journey and laugh along the way. I don't make resolutions per say, but I do make a post it that simply says, LIVE!

Next up on the adventures of the Mundell's while I am on break, double potty training. Lord give me strength.

Home Sweet Grateful.

Thanksgiving morning and I am home. I went to the movies last night, I slept in my own bed and now I am enjoying a bowl of Lucky Charms while my kids pick out the marshmallows and my husband gets flustered over the mixer and making bread. Is it grand? Probably not, but it's exactly where I want to be. Over the last five or six years I had missed my fair share of holidays and honestly my heart wasn't broken, the holidays had never been the same after my grandmother died. That has all changed since these little people have taken over my life. To see the joy in Karson's face when we woke up this morning and told him that today is finally Thanksgiving! I could not imagine missing that or when he dumps the yeast on the floor and cries about his father not allowing him to eat raw bread dough. You see our life is a complete cluster, so is our house, which is why I am blogging currently to avoid cleaning. I know the days are long, but the years are fast and before I know it Karson will be leaving to spend Thanksgiving at his girlfriend's house (or boyfriend's). I'm thankful that today I am home, not sitting in an empty office or watching a family cry over their dead loved one. I know that these holidays at home are limited, this one and the next to be exact and then it's back to shift work, missed holidays and crying loved ones all over again, just in a hospital this time.

I have a certain respect for all those who miss out, I've been there and I'll be back there sooner than later. Give thanks, those of you who were able to sleep in your bed and wake up to your kids (or fur-baby's) because of other people's sacrifices. No one wants to miss out, it's just part of life that some us have to and usually it's for the greater good of our community. Cheers to you and thank you for working so that I don't have to (today).

Oh... what a three months! Blink...we are here. Everyday there's been a challenge, Karson having a nuclear meltdown in the parking lot of preschool for my mom, me failing my fundamentals skill check, Kurt worrying endlessly and Kooper just going along for the ride (that was just one day). We've managed and surprisingly its worked out. The kids are on a routine schedule, which is amazing! I loved our feral days, but the kids in bed by 8 gives me the time I need at night to get work in. The worst part of it all is that I don't get to wake up with the kiddos when they are fresh and full of morning cuddles and conversations. This week has been a wonderful up for air moment. Just in time to finish this race with a super sprint.

I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to be in nursing school. I'm thankful of the endless support that I have in my corner. When I don't think I can do it, I have a cheering section that is louder than the doubts. I have two little people who are so proud of me and tell people that their mommy is a nurse (not quite yet kiddos). In addition to my family and friends who have my back, I have made connections with some of my classmates within the last twelve weeks that I never would have dreamed of. I feel like I've know these ladies my whole life. We are all different, each of us with personality traits and skills that compliment each other. Everyone warned me that nursing school would be different, they were right in one respect nursing is a team sport, if one of us fails we all fail. There is no competition, not one ill will. School is challenging and leaving my kids is hard, but these ladies make it a lot more tolerable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Within the last 24 hours I've seen engagements, deaths and baby announcements. Life is beautiful, the ultimate gift, be thankful for one more day on this Earth, be thankful for everyday on this Earth, the great and the challenging.

Chapter 28.

I've been in a strange place lately. A little excited, apprehensive, guilt ridden, melancholy...you name the emotion and I am sure I've felt it. The other day in Jazzercise class (yes you read that right, Jazzercise is no joke), I had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess it’s the one that I have been waiting for, the one that I blogged about last month. While sweating my ass off, barely breathing, jamming out to a song that was singing, "I'm ready for this, there's no denying", my instructor was talking about her new life's chapter about moving out of state and it just hit me. Before I knew it I was crying, thank God I was sweating so hard you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. As she talked about being ready for her new chapter, her positive energy just flooded over me, like it was contagious. It’s really hard to describe the feeling of relief, a moment of clarity, a long awaited sign. In that moment all the emotions that have been a jumbled mess were united and I was strong, fearless, and positive. With all these emotions I have let them damper my gratefulness. I've done the exact opposite of what I preach, I haven't been living every day as a gift. I have two weeks until I start my next chapter and I still feel the emotions, but I am aware that although this beautifully written chapter of my life is coming to a close, I am thrilled to be starting a new one. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start a new one. I have those closest to me to thank: God, my husband, my mother, Craig, my kids, my friends, my co-workers. All you have been so supportive in my journey, in my book, whether it’s been in the past chapters or the ones I'm about to write. I'm ready, bring it on!

Since my last post Kurt, Kooper and I have had birthdays. Kurt and I celebrated on the west coast in San Fran. That trip was amazing, much needed. First of all, the weather over there is to die for. The sights are indescribable. I don't think we ate anything that wasn't awesome. I even enjoyed the plane rides (yeah, I needed that vacation when I am admitting that)! Kurt turned 40, I swear you'd never know, he doesn't age. We brought in chapter 40 sitting on a bar stool in the most dark dingy smelly old bar in San Fran. It served Pabst on tap, live music from musicians originally from MD and the friendliest people from the east coast. If you know Kurt, than you know this was the perfect way for him to celebrate. To see the happiness on his face, the relaxation in his grip, the ease of his jamming to the music made me fall in love all over again. This man just isin't my father's children (our roles of parents sometimes seem like our main ones), he is the man that seven years ago made me realize how a woman is supposed to be treated. I never not once doubted the chapters I was writing with him. He debuted in chapter 21 and if I'm lucky he'll be a main character until my book ends. 

As I've grown older I've learned lessons that I never thought I would have to. I learned there is a season for some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the memories, have love in my heart always for them, but sometimes you just have to let go. You have to understand that you can't force a relationship. This whole idea just about kills me. I'm an eternal optimist who hates burnt bridges, conflict or unpleasant feelings. My greatest fear in life is to live with regret. I see people who have loved ones who die prematurely or sudden and they are left with some form of regret. Whether it's not spending enough time with them, enabling them, not having a relationship with them at all. These people have to live with this for the rest of their lives. I can't, I won't. I haven't really come up with the conversation yet, but I will have to have one. Regret is not going to control my life. Then there is the other side to this conversation, when the other person doesn't care or acknowledge there's an issue. Ignoring problems in relationships is such the easy way out. This rant is not intentionally passive aggressive, the person this is about will never see it. It's toxic really and before I start my new chapter I had to say something to someone while I still muster up the courage to confront my feelings head on.

Enough feels already! Back to good news. Karson went to his first soccer practice for the new season last night and I was shocked. He went right onto the field, met his coach and only came to me to hydrate, he gave me a couple thumbs up. I know it was tough last season with his separation anxiety, but I am so glad I pushed him through it. He now walks into preschool like he owns it, meets new friends and introduces himself as Karson Mundell. I could not be prouder. He has blossomed into such a wonderful young man. We are currently working on respect and responsibility, we've had a couple time outs, but overall he is grasping the concepts. 

 Kooper turned 2! Where has my baby gone? She is such a spirited little thing. A little tom girl with some diva wrapped up in her. She is obsessed with horses, we have to sleep with a plastic horse jammed into my ribs. She loves animals! We took her to the zoo, she was in heaven. No fear. She wants to pet all the animals. She starts preschool next week. We will be going through the separation anxiety all over again, but at least this time we have some experience under our belts. I've conveniently made sure I have two hours to sit in the parking lot before I have to get to class myself. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's a brave girl.

We finished our summer off with a wonderful first family camping trip to Frontier Town in OC and we had a relaxing time (as relaxing as it can be with a 2 and 3 year old). We went to Assateague, biked on the broad walk, splashed in the water park and turned technology off. It was refreshing and when I am at my wits end this semester, I will look back, take deep breaths and plant myself in that sand with the breeze. Second thought, minus the sand, because honestly that stuff sticks to everything, it is even worse with tiny people. 

                               Goodbye Summer! Hello Back to School, for all of us this time!

News & Nerves.

After a longggg brutal wait I found out I was accepted to the UMD School of Nursing CNL masters program for fall 2015. I don't know why, but I was one of the last to be interviewed. I will never get the rolling admissions process, but who cares now right?! I started this process back in September of last year. I had my sights set on this program since Spring 2011. To say it has been a long process is an understatement. Once I submitted my first application (I had to send a second, it was mysteriously lost) in December, I did not hear anything until May for an interview (after I had stalked the website endlessly). I was also following a blog for perspective nursing students, which did nothing but make my anxiety worse and convinced me I was not even going to be asked for interview, which I knew was crap because everyone that met minimal requirements got one. 

The big day came and I had the perfect dress, one that my mother insisted on buying me months ago when I had lost a little weight (I did not want to jinx it, but she called it "the interview" dress). I left the house like two hours before interview, it was nap time and I did not want to interfere with our regularly maintained schedule. I sat outside the building downtown in the most beautiful garden. I sat and people watched, let my mind wonder, scoped out nursing students, watched the insanity unfold across the street at the ER. I asked myself, "can you do this?" I wish I had some brilliant epiphany to share with you all, unfortunately I do not and I continue to ask myself this very question every day. Of course, mom and Kurt reassure me they can handle it, "they got this". I don't for one second doubt them. It's not them, it's me. Mom guilt has ultimately consumed me. I'm being selfish, I don't want to miss a second with my kids, but I'm so thankful to have had the past two years at home with them. You see I am a walking, talking conundrum. People say, "do it now, before they get older, that's when they really need you." I see their point, but I'm an attachment parent, for Christ's sake my kids nap with me everyday. This is more about letting go of our normal lifestyle and all about reforming our lives into a structured existence, this scares the crap out of me. The work is going to be nearly impossible (both my school work and our work at home), our schedules are going to consist of colored blocks in hour intervals. I'm going to miss the hell out of my husband and kids and I hope they don't miss me, not for a second. 

The counselor tells me it's all about balance and that at some point throughout the program I will say to myself that I am a horrible mother. Well that's reassuring. In a way I like the bluntness, that's how we roll. Kurt and I both agree that two years will fly by and before I know it I will be blogging about graduation and a new exciting career. If anything is certain time does not stop and my darlings are growing before my eyes. Both of them will be in preschool this year. 

 Last time I blogged I felt like I was in a tidal wave of emotions and I couldn't breathe. Karson was just about driving me nuts. His anxiety and emotions were off the rector scale. We had just tried soccer and that was a big fail. Well I am happy to report after that first horrid week, he warmed up, he really bonded with his coach and he began to make progress. He left my side and actually stayed on the field, towards the end he even scored a couple times. He received his first trophy and told me proudly that he was a soccer star! We signed him up for fall ball and the aliens seemed to have returned my son, for the most part, I mean he is still a three-nager and ranges through emotions from zero to ten. We talked with a doctor and it seems he has high anxiety like his Dad, well duh. We got a couple tips to handle it at this age, but really it will all come down to when he is a bit older. Kurt read an article about high maintenance kids and laughed while they described our son to a tee.

Kooper is still in Rolly Pollies, she loves it and is fearless. She turns the big 2 next month and after that I might attempt to sign her up for dance lessons for the fall. I don't know though, she might be the real soccer star. Ball was one of her first words and she has a mean kick. Currently I am in overdrive preparing for her Team Umizoomi party, Of course she had to have a theme that Party City does not have in store. That's okay, one last crafting project before I start school won't hurt right?

We have a ridiculously busy summer, literally every weekend we have something going on. We just got back from a camping weekend at Jellystone. Kurt and I are leaving next week for his big 4-0 celebration in San Francisco. I am complete nerves every time I think about boarding an airplane. When we come back from that we have camping down the Ocean. All while preparing for nursing school, which doesn't seem like much, but trust me it is! I bought one of my textbooks early and have been working through relearning basic math skills so that I can do the dosage calculations that I will be tested on after the first two weeks of school. Nahh no pressure! 

This seemingly short post took about three hours to write, we had to stop for breakfast, pollies class, two poop explosions and finally lunch! Sure this school work think will be no problem at all ;0)

Ultimate Challenges.

When I decided on a title for my blog years ago, it was obvious. At the time I was anxiously awaiting to give birth to my first born. We had so many ups and downs with Karson's pregnancy I just kept telling myself, whatever will be, will be. You see this saying has always played an instrumental part in my life. As a young child my mom sang me this song, "Que Sera Sera." In researching where this song came from I found it is a hybrid language between Spanish and Latin, it's from an Alfred Hitchock movie "The Man Who Knew Too Much" starring Doris Day. Up until the age of 23 I thought this song was made up for me exclusively by my Mom. Que Sera sounded like a jumbled version of Kasey. (You have to remember I am partially dyslexic). At age 23 I decided as a tribute to my Mom and a constant reminder to myself I got this tattooed on my right wrist. It's amazing to me with the words scrolled permanently in my skin I fight so hard to have control of EVERYTHING in my life. That's where I am as I sit here today, fighting the words that have guided me through out my life.

On the opposite side of the spectrum I have taken a hold of my life in ways I can positively make a change, my health! Since puberty I have always had extra weight on my body. After two years of being pregnant my body looks like its been through a mauling. Each time in an effort to loose my baby weight I did Weight Watchers, and that was great, but I was still fueling my addiction to fast food. I knew I had to get active and quick or I was never going to make any change. About a year ago my Mom joined Jazzercise, I was intrigued. I went to one class and I was hooked and drenched from sweat. I was so impressed with these ladies, some triple my age and built like brick houses. For over a year I went, sometimes 3-4 times a week, sometimes less...like not at all, for a month. This past February they were doing a challenge 30 classes in 35 days. I went back and forth with committing. I finally presented the idea to Kurt and Mom, I needed reinforcements for childcare. They accepted the challenge with me. An addiction was born. I completed my challenge and felt energized and alive. BUT I was still eating crap! That's when I saw a former co-worker of mine's journey as a coach for Beachbody. She was starting a 21 day fix group. After research and commitment from Kurt that he would support and cook for me, God, I love that man! I jumped on board. In the beginning I am not going to lie, I was freaking hungry. I felt light headed and tired all the time. I stuck with it and started to notice changes. Only 21 days and I lost 9 pounds and several inches. I saw 158 on the scale, I didn't even know this was possible. Today is day 22 and after a cheese steak that made me feel like death last night, I'm back on board with clean eating. For all the skeptics out there reading this, if I can do this, YOU CAN! Give it a chance. I'm in no way gaining from this public service announcement HAHA. I've decided my long term goal is to rock a bikini when I go to the Ocean in August for our girls get a way trip, tiger stripes and all! I start my next endeavor with team Beachbody May 4th, Body Beast! I am a beast ;)

                                            BEFORE                                        AFTER

I was terrified to post these pictures on social media and then I thought to myself, screw it, I worked hard for these results and I am ready to show it off!

Now back to the reality that is really the challenge for me right now. My dear sweet boy has always been a bit anxious. I've always been concerned with his demeanor at times, specifically the tantrums. As of late they are exacerbated by triggers. Triggers include: putting his utensils in his food, if I do this I have to wash the utensil and give it back to him. He will not take off his winter jacket beyond the house, it must be zipped to his neck. If his father is around forget it, I can't do anything for him. Those are just the ones at the tip of my mind. Now if you know Kurt or if you've read my blog you'd know he suffers from debilitating anxiety and has several OCD tendencies. I was unaware of this until we had kids, not that it would matter, I'd love that man no matter what. I know Kurt's heart is breaking because he feels partially responsible for Karson's challenges. Unfortunately, that's the gene pool. In the past I have always been Karson's safe haven. I knew what triggered him, I avoided those things at all costs and if he flipped I was there to calm and recenter him. I can't anymore and I'm crying as I write this. I don't know what I can do to help my boy. We've decided as a family to see a therapist in an effort to work with Karson and attempt cognitive behavioral therapy. As a mother, I need tools and resources to teach me how to properly help him. I'm not trying to change Karson, never, I need to change my parenting ways. 

Last Saturday was Karson's first soccer game. I knew it was going to be rough, he was really sick after preschool Friday. Well I pushed it anyway and we went. Karson was completely disengaged and wouldn't say anything but the classic, "I want Daddy." We avoided this Thursday night at soccer practice by having Kurt not be there. How sad is it that he has to miss all these firsts because Kurt triggers Karson's anxiety and vice versa. Karson was excellent Thursday night, he was a little clown. I was over the moon and so proud. Well back to Saturday, it was horrid. I finally lost it, I scooped Karson up and just started walking and walking. I have no idea where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I lost it. I had rage fill me. If you know me, you know I have the patience of a saint. I sat Karson down and had to walk away. I was so frustrated I had to walk away from my 3 year old. I'm ashamed. I could care less if he played soccer (he's the one who brought it up to us), its that he won't even try. He literally gets paralyzed by anxiety. I can't count how many times a day he says, "he's scared." The rest of the day I stewed and hated myself for my behavior. For a second, I gave up, I gave up on my son. 

I guess as a parent these are memories we sit back one day and say to ourselves,"They survived, we survived." 

Let me say once again for all you people that are reading this thinking I am complaining or ungrateful, I fight everyday for my family, I love my son and I will continue to make sure he has everything he needs in life to thrive. 

By the grace of God I have been blessed in this life with two happy and healthy children and a man who drives me flipping nuts in every good way possible. My love and dedication to them makes me the best person I can be. 

Within the next few weeks I am hoping to share exciting news, but for now I am all about not jinxing it, so until its official I am going to have to leave it To Be Continued...

Soak It Up.

My darling boy turned 3 this past week. Let me repeat that last sentence...I AM A MOTHER TO A 3 YEAR OLD! Where have the nights of endless crying gone, where have the worries of having a non-verbal toddler go, when has my precious baby grown up on me? I know when you're in the moment, completely overwhelmed and underappreciated, and someone (usually a nice older person) tells you to enjoy every moment, soak it up, "they'll be grown before you know it", you probably want to kill them. If you're like me you just smile and nod, thinking to yourself "are they freaking insane", I haven't showered in days, or took a pee by myself in years!?! Don't even get me started on the neglect of my husband (who most days feels like just another zoo keeper). I can't believe I'm admitting it out loud, but they are right. Don't blink...sure complain, get it out of your system, have bad days, admit it, it's all about survival, you are human Super Mom, but don't ever...not for one second wish that time away. Before you know it, you'll be writing a post about how your baby, the only first born you'll ever have, is talking to you like a real person. You'll struggle to remember those first labor pains, the sore milk filled boobs, the way they felt when they fit perfectly into your arms. I sit here writing this tearing up. Those are days I will never get back and memories I will never make again, not with this child or with any other.

I am ashamed to admit I took those days, many months and milestones with Karson for granted. I was a first time clueless Mom. I was lonely, though in reality I was never alone, I always had my little guy with me. I suffered from the baby blues, I wondered why I didn't feel and look like every other Mom grinning and just over the moon plastering pictures to show all over Facebook. I had no idea what I was doing, or how important the job I had been given really was. When he started growing, I would rush him. Rush him to stop breastfeeding, rush him to sit up, crawl, stand up, walk, getting off the bottle, talk. You name it and I rushed it! Damn, I was dumb. I look at pictures and videos and kick myself in the ass over and over again. What I would not give to have those moments back. My vow to this crazy, anxious, sweet, spoiled rotten little boy is to NEVER rush him again. He is his father's son and everything is on his terms and you know what, I am completely okay with that. So you know what, he'll wear diapers until he's ready, he'll sleep with his Daddy until he's ready to stop. Is this lazy parenting, the easy way out, sure you can look at it that way. Am I letting my child dictate to me? If you think so. But like I tell people, when you wipe his butt and kiss his boo-boos, then and only then can you tell me how to raise my kid.

So Mom, I have this infinite wisdom to share. You might have days that feel never ending, but the years fly by; sit down, relax and enjoy the ride and learn by my mistake and don't rush!