Be True to You.

Another semester down and I'm in the post ictal phase, which means I stare blankly at walls and have issues with the most basic functions. The truth is I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not running around franticly glued to my planner. Now that I'm sitting in traffic on the way to the beach I have alot of time to reflect on the fact that in two semesters I will be a nurse.

It's really easy to lose focus on the WHY of this journey. Instead of getting caught up in the grades, papers and GPAs of nursing school I have to go back to the fundamental reason why I chose this profession in the first place. Thankfully I am reminded of that every time I walk into work.

I step unto the unit eyes glazed over investigating the patient board. I'm assigned my six patients for the day, receive report, clean the vitals machine and embark on my twelve hour shift. Most days I'm lucky to squeeze in a 20 minute lunch break or a post coffee pee. By the end of the shift my brains are mush, my toes are numb and my back is aching. And I'm not even the nurse! So imagine how they feel.

My patients are the reason I love this job. Some are wonderful sharing with me the most intimate details of their accident. Some really just want what they need and send me packing, which is fine too. I'm just honored to take care of them and be a step along their recovery, even if they don't remember my name. My heart is full when I can brush and braid hair, wipe glass from bloody knuckles and just be present for those who are alone.

I pray that in the hussle and bussle of hospital nursing I remember these moments frozen in time engraved in my memory that will guide me throughout this journey. In the end these are the qualities that produce an excellent nurse and when I walk across that stage come May 19th I will hold them dear to me.

And of course I'll have my Kate's voice exclaiming, "B's get degrees" in back of my mind. 😉

Marvelous Mother's Day!

I have to admit this Mother's Day was by far the best yet. In one day I got to do almost everything I love. My girl and I slept in while the boys steady cooked away making Dad's traditional caramel pancake. After delicious breakfast I got to cuddle on the couch to watch My Little Pony while the boys went grocery shopping. We went to Karson's Mother's Day soccer game where I got to coach my boy and my team, now lovingly named Khaos. My brother and the kids surprised my mom at the game. She was over the moon to have both of her children with her on Mom's day, she can be easy to please sometimes. The kids were thrilled to be surprised with their cousins. Kurt made a delicious lunch and dessert, lemon meringue, my Mom and I's favorite. I retired to the couch to sleep off the fullness and one glass of wine I indulged in. We closed the night with my mom and I going to see Mother's Day the movie with nachos and cheese. All in all a wonderful day! Oh and my little gardeners surprised me with new flowers in my outside garden. They have green thumbs and lots of dirt underneath their nails!

Mother's Day came so fast this year. I've been so focused on getting through the last weeks of this semester it was here and gone before I knew it. I literally blinked and I have a 4 year old that will not stop talking, my baby potty trained herself and I am finished my first year of nursing school! What!?! Just goes to show when I say I have a year left and roll my eyes, people are right, it will be over before I know it. I have three short weeks off before I start OB and Peds at AAMC. I'm taking a little break from the city, (not really) I'll be there for class two days a week and my job on the weekends. This eight weeks will be insanity!!! But, I promptly decided we will be taking a little siesta at the beach for baby girl's 3rd birthday because then I only have 3 weeks off again and onto fall semester. Whew. I'm currently waiting for that "ah-ha" moment when I realize what kind of nursing I want to do. Right now, I know what I don't want, which helps a bit.

I'm currently brain dead...literally and awaiting my end of semester grades, which has me all out of whack. The faster I get them, the better so I can just breathe. One day in with no school and I find myself missing something. I came on the computer and Karson insisted I was doing homework, he also thinks because I am taking three weeks off I am no longer a nurse. Poor thing has a lot of faith in me, already calling me a nurse and telling other people too. When I am a wits end with this program, I hear his sweet voice so proud and carry on.

Baby girl straight up decided to tell me she had to pee one day and history was made. I tried to keep putting her in diapers for the convenience of travel for Grammy. She was not having it. I can't believe how easy it came to her. Just goes to show if you don't push kids when they aren't ready, they'll grow and advance when they are. Karson is such the talker, Kurt and I can't get a word in edge wise. He is always interrupting us when we have adult conversation and boy he is always listening. We are having to spell, it's just a matter of time before that doesn't work anymore either. Kurt has been working full time again, he seems to be much happier when he is busy. And wow are we busy. If I lost my planner, I'd be losing my head.

For all the things I've done in my life, Mom has always been the hardest and most rewarding. My heart just swells with love for these children.

The One & Only Kooper.

As I stand scrubbing the massive pile of poop at the sink from my daughter's favorite unicorn pants she proudly exclaims, "I had diarrhea in my pants." I ask her who she is talking to and she looks at me and says Buster cat of course. I peek around the corner and there was the cat, looking at me with such pity. She continues to stand there bottomless with poop completely covering her legs and chomping away at the bag of Mike & Ike's I had given her before the massive explosion was discovered. This child is priceless.

Earlier today was her first riding lesson. We have been talking about riding ponies since Christmas, maybe even before that. I told my mother let's wait until the weather breaks and then you can buy her pony lessons. Well I thought the weather had broke, oops. On a 30 degree windy April day Koop had her first riding lesson. 15 minutes for $15, Daddy's going to have to get a third job to afford this habit. Haha. She talked my ear off the whole ride to the farm. She went from talking about ponies to pickles and even a little nod to farts (you can tell she's a little sister to a rotten 4 year old brother) and an even more childish father. When we got to the farm she touched the Earth with her pink leather cowgirl boots and in that spot she fell in love. Her face was priceless. No camera in the world could capture that child's utter joy. We walked to the barn and met her pony Peanut. All the sudden the talkative little angel was completely quiet. She met the pony and went out to the ring to ride. We put her in the saddle and she knew exactly where to hold the saddle, she's a pro. She rode him the entire time, when it was time to get off she teared up. She relaxed when she got to feed him his treats.

We explored the rest of the farm and took some treats to the other horseys. One of the bigger horses thought Kooper had a treat for him and while she was petting him, he nipped her. I held my breath for the epic let down, but she looked at me puzzled. In that second I knew whatever my reaction would be could set the tone for her love of this animal. I smiled and said silly horsey, he thought you had a treat. She giggled and completely played it off. She amazes me with her laid back personality sometimes. In those moments I can completely see myself in her. Don't get it twisted little miss has a little dash of diva in her also. That's all Grandma. We left the barn, her with Gram and me on my way to school once again. It meant the world to me to be able to see her in her element.I feel like I miss so much going to school and working. I have to admit though, her love of horses is not from me. To be honest I have always kinda feared them. I think Peanut sensed it today, but Kooper was to over the moon to notice. If the love persists it's only matter of time I'll have to ride, to see what the fuss is all about.

After class I picked up the kids to find out Kooper is now biting people. I thought maybe it had to do with the horse, but it's been going on for a little while. It's typically love bites, except when her brother has her pinned, but hey can you blame her. She's pushing all the buttons and testing the waters like a typical 2.5er. Ohh and the tears. Some days I think she cries at least 50 % of the day. In between those tears she's laughing hysterically and making the most funniest of faces while ripping her pigtails out and getting as naked as possible, all while carrying multiple tiny horses or her my little ponies.

The countdown is on for the end of this semester. It has surely been a huge challenge to say the least. "B's get degrees" (Kate, 2015). Bahaha. You know you've been on a paper writing binge when you are citing your personal blog. Surprisingly the clinic portion has been the least stressful aspect. I finally get why all those nurses before me have made nursing school out to be the worst. I always thought how hard could it really be, it's just school. That's hysterical. I can't get over the amount of crap I have learned over the last 6 months and the fact that I have so much more to learn is honestly quite scary. If and when I survive this semester and the subsequent, then there's the real world with real patients I am responsible for. Oh lord, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. My happy self is content with taking vitals and watching the nurses do the real deal.

Until next time when I get a few minutes. Haha. Talk to you in August!

Had I Never Been a Mom.

I can honestly say not once have I ever thought of my life without my children. Where would I be, who would I be, how would I be? In all of the craziness these two little people have brought into my life there has never been a day where I don't thank God for them. Their world revolves around Kurt and myself right now, but I know this is only a phase. One day they will be grown and we'll be called to bail them out (hopefully not literally) and be the punching bag from all the world throws at them. I'm sure I will be nursing heartbreaks, sports injuries and university rejection letters. We will be the foundation for which these children grow and thrive into amazing adults. Talk about responsibility. I have a lot of accomplishments under my belt, and so many more to come, but as a mother I can say raising my children has been the most brilliantly bittersweet accomplishment of my life.

Time travel back to May 2011. Kurt and I had been trying to get pregnant. We weren't worried yet, but we began questioning if we were going to be able to have children. I decided to take our tax returns and go on an unplanned road trip to New Orleans. I was hormonally crazy of the thought that I might not ever become a mother, so let's go on vacation! Side note: As a young girl and teen I never really thought of myself as a motherly type, I had professional aspirations (as I still do) that trumped marriage and happily ever after. Back to the road trip, I remember it clear as day, we were at a gas station when I received a call from my mother who was visiting my brother, his wife and their children. They had exciting news to share, they were pregnant with their third child! I was dumbstruck and I couldn't formulate the right words. I was thrilled for them, but in that instant I realized their was a slight statistical probability that we would never be pregnant. I hung up the phone and began to cry, Kurt looked at me and promised that everything would be fine and we would have a baby too one day. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

We ended up in a dingy tavern on Bourbon Street when I came out of the bathroom to a clairvoyant that said she had a a vision when I walked past her and that I was pregnant. We laughed it off and came home with a funny story. Deep down though I prayed she was right. Weeks later and I was starting a new diet, my body was acting strange and my mother in her infinite wisdom told me, "you better take a pregnancy test". If I had a dollar for every time my mother thought I was pregnant I would be a millionaire by now. Well, obviously she was correct (I'll give her that one). Fast forward 20 weeks into the pregnancy and a day after our ultrasound that gave us quite the scare, I started to spontaneously bleed during my morning pee. I screamed for Kurt, who like always was making me something to eat, he came rushing in and in that second I broke down, I was having a miscarriage. The drive to to the hospital was the most terrifying 5 minutes of my life. I could still feel him moving around and I kept hoping this wasn't the last times I would ever feel this. I literally held my breath and looking back have no idea how I survived that day with the lack of oxygen we both had. When I heard his heartbeat on the monitor the relief I felt, the love I felt for this little baby, who in all honesty I had not yet really formed a bond with was alive and in that instant I became a mother. Momma bear was born and I've never looked back.

Here in the lies the point to all this reminiscing. My dear friends have been through hell and back in an effort to become parents. My heart breaks for every single person out there who wants to become a parent for all the right reasons and can not. I can't imagine the heartbreak they feel, but I can imagine the love they will share for their future children. I can imagine the utter joy of those first beautiful and fleeting moments, the sadness that comes from watching them grow to fast. This world can be a dark place, but children are our light, our hope for a better future. The eternal optimist in me believes this wholeheartedly. Some people are born to be parents, they have that special something from the beginning, my friend Lisa has this. I want this baby for them so badly I might have thought about giving them one of mine (haha). In all honesty, YOU have the ability to help them in becoming parents. If you are one, you know these emotions I am sharing with you, if you aren't one, well you came from somewhere and I can guarantee someone shares the same feelings about you. Please I am begging you to look at their Facebook page, click "like" and follow us in this remarkable journey. This is only a portion of their story and I know the best is yet to come! Let's make 2016 the year of baby!

https://www.facebook.com/lisaandmaryadoptionhopes/

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Costa Rican Crazy.

After being home for two days I am just now getting around to blogging. Costa Rica only has a one hour time difference, but a complete lifestyle 360, getting back into the USA hustle and bustle has been a bit of a challenge. Whew and just in time for the New Year. What a year it has been, I celebrated 40 in Cali and 60 in Costa Rica with my two bestest friends, the best part I didn't have to hit a milestone age. Although, both of my counter parts make those ages look pretty fabulous.

I have to say CR was my most relaxing vacation, a lot of down time to reflect and meditate. I attempted to disconnect and be present within the moment. Definitely something I am continuously trying to work on. The airplane rides were actually pretty awesome, first class does make all the difference and the warm nuts and wine...um yes please! We landed smoothly and had the ultimate hot flash. We went from a mere raining 60 to a sizzling 90. We shuttled to our car rental and I was happy when they were able to give me a hot spot since a GPS was not available. I literally would still be lost in a volcano if it had not been for that miracle of a hot spot. We managed to find our way to the villa and communicate veinte y nueve. Our view was breathtaking and so was the fact that we had no air! We ventured to the local grocery store where we quickly learned not all places will take US dollars and if they do your getting colones back. No worries, they take Visa. Hermosa is a quaint little town that has a mix of English speakers and not. Let's just say I was channeling my inner high school Spanish, especially when it came to ordering McDonald's (yes, you read that right) we flew to Central America and my mother still found a McDonald's.

I learned three value lessons: 1. Costa Rican people have beautiful souls. Among all of our journeys in the short time we were there, we never encountered a negative person. Smiling is absolutely contagious. 2. Plantains are the most underrated fruit in America, seriously. We rolled up on an authentic breakfast buffet on our way to the beach one day and I accidentally received this mush of something brown that sort of resembled some parts of bacon, wrong! It was better than bacon, dare I say. 3. You can take me to Central America and I will still be a forest girl over a beach girl. It doesn't matter where the sand is, I despise it. I still rather have giant bugs and monkey's possibly throw feces at me.

After our day of sunburing at la playa Hermosa, we spent the evening Netflixing romantic comedies and eating Ramen Noodles. I was proud of mom, she stayed up til 11! We slept in a tiny double, because it was the only room with the air that seemed to be working. At one point, Mom stated "Kurt and Craig would be so pissed to know we traveled to CR to Netflix." Hahaha. Good thing they'll never read this. The next day we decided to venture out to Arenal Volcano which was about a 3 hour drive, no biggie we decided, no worse than OC at home. Yeahhh ok. On our way there we drove on 1, which would be our equivalent to 95. No lines, no street signs, no lights and no freaking policia. We seriously watched a head on collision happen in front of our eyes. I was so scared on that road I didn't know if I was going to vomit or crap my pants. We eventually made it to The Springs resort and it was totally worth it. We soaked in the hot springs, had a wonderful lunch and ventured to the animal sanctuary, which was the most awesome animal experience I ever had! My mother who boycotts anything animal at home was even impressed. We made it home in the pitch dark with the hot spot and cell dying with 2% battery. Mom was in tears and I couldn't stop laughing.

The next day bright and early we were off to the sugar cane and jungle tour. I popped a Dramamine due to the bus and boat ride and boy was I out of it when it wore off. The plantation was 150 years old and iguanas came up to your feet when you were eating. Just a tad freaky, but still awesome. Glad I had sneakers on, didn't want to loose a toe. On the jungle tour we saw animals in the wild and was fed another scrumptious meal. All in all, CRs know how to eat!!! I can't believe a vacation that we've had on the calendar for almost two years has come and gone.

Every year I say the same thing..what a year, it was amazing, the best yet! It's not that we don't have challenges or hard times, but we push forward and learn the lessons that life has to offer. I enjoy the journey and laugh along the way. I don't make resolutions per say, but I do make a post it that simply says, LIVE!

Next up on the adventures of the Mundell's while I am on break, double potty training. Lord give me strength.

Home Sweet Grateful.

Thanksgiving morning and I am home. I went to the movies last night, I slept in my own bed and now I am enjoying a bowl of Lucky Charms while my kids pick out the marshmallows and my husband gets flustered over the mixer and making bread. Is it grand? Probably not, but it's exactly where I want to be. Over the last five or six years I had missed my fair share of holidays and honestly my heart wasn't broken, the holidays had never been the same after my grandmother died. That has all changed since these little people have taken over my life. To see the joy in Karson's face when we woke up this morning and told him that today is finally Thanksgiving! I could not imagine missing that or when he dumps the yeast on the floor and cries about his father not allowing him to eat raw bread dough. You see our life is a complete cluster, so is our house, which is why I am blogging currently to avoid cleaning. I know the days are long, but the years are fast and before I know it Karson will be leaving to spend Thanksgiving at his girlfriend's house (or boyfriend's). I'm thankful that today I am home, not sitting in an empty office or watching a family cry over their dead loved one. I know that these holidays at home are limited, this one and the next to be exact and then it's back to shift work, missed holidays and crying loved ones all over again, just in a hospital this time.

I have a certain respect for all those who miss out, I've been there and I'll be back there sooner than later. Give thanks, those of you who were able to sleep in your bed and wake up to your kids (or fur-baby's) because of other people's sacrifices. No one wants to miss out, it's just part of life that some us have to and usually it's for the greater good of our community. Cheers to you and thank you for working so that I don't have to (today).

Oh... what a three months! Blink...we are here. Everyday there's been a challenge, Karson having a nuclear meltdown in the parking lot of preschool for my mom, me failing my fundamentals skill check, Kurt worrying endlessly and Kooper just going along for the ride (that was just one day). We've managed and surprisingly its worked out. The kids are on a routine schedule, which is amazing! I loved our feral days, but the kids in bed by 8 gives me the time I need at night to get work in. The worst part of it all is that I don't get to wake up with the kiddos when they are fresh and full of morning cuddles and conversations. This week has been a wonderful up for air moment. Just in time to finish this race with a super sprint.

I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to be in nursing school. I'm thankful of the endless support that I have in my corner. When I don't think I can do it, I have a cheering section that is louder than the doubts. I have two little people who are so proud of me and tell people that their mommy is a nurse (not quite yet kiddos). In addition to my family and friends who have my back, I have made connections with some of my classmates within the last twelve weeks that I never would have dreamed of. I feel like I've know these ladies my whole life. We are all different, each of us with personality traits and skills that compliment each other. Everyone warned me that nursing school would be different, they were right in one respect nursing is a team sport, if one of us fails we all fail. There is no competition, not one ill will. School is challenging and leaving my kids is hard, but these ladies make it a lot more tolerable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Within the last 24 hours I've seen engagements, deaths and baby announcements. Life is beautiful, the ultimate gift, be thankful for one more day on this Earth, be thankful for everyday on this Earth, the great and the challenging.

Chapter 28.

I've been in a strange place lately. A little excited, apprehensive, guilt ridden, melancholy...you name the emotion and I am sure I've felt it. The other day in Jazzercise class (yes you read that right, Jazzercise is no joke), I had somewhat of an epiphany, I guess it’s the one that I have been waiting for, the one that I blogged about last month. While sweating my ass off, barely breathing, jamming out to a song that was singing, "I'm ready for this, there's no denying", my instructor was talking about her new life's chapter about moving out of state and it just hit me. Before I knew it I was crying, thank God I was sweating so hard you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. As she talked about being ready for her new chapter, her positive energy just flooded over me, like it was contagious. It’s really hard to describe the feeling of relief, a moment of clarity, a long awaited sign. In that moment all the emotions that have been a jumbled mess were united and I was strong, fearless, and positive. With all these emotions I have let them damper my gratefulness. I've done the exact opposite of what I preach, I haven't been living every day as a gift. I have two weeks until I start my next chapter and I still feel the emotions, but I am aware that although this beautifully written chapter of my life is coming to a close, I am thrilled to be starting a new one. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start a new one. I have those closest to me to thank: God, my husband, my mother, Craig, my kids, my friends, my co-workers. All you have been so supportive in my journey, in my book, whether it’s been in the past chapters or the ones I'm about to write. I'm ready, bring it on!

Since my last post Kurt, Kooper and I have had birthdays. Kurt and I celebrated on the west coast in San Fran. That trip was amazing, much needed. First of all, the weather over there is to die for. The sights are indescribable. I don't think we ate anything that wasn't awesome. I even enjoyed the plane rides (yeah, I needed that vacation when I am admitting that)! Kurt turned 40, I swear you'd never know, he doesn't age. We brought in chapter 40 sitting on a bar stool in the most dark dingy smelly old bar in San Fran. It served Pabst on tap, live music from musicians originally from MD and the friendliest people from the east coast. If you know Kurt, than you know this was the perfect way for him to celebrate. To see the happiness on his face, the relaxation in his grip, the ease of his jamming to the music made me fall in love all over again. This man just isin't my father's children (our roles of parents sometimes seem like our main ones), he is the man that seven years ago made me realize how a woman is supposed to be treated. I never not once doubted the chapters I was writing with him. He debuted in chapter 21 and if I'm lucky he'll be a main character until my book ends. 

As I've grown older I've learned lessons that I never thought I would have to. I learned there is a season for some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the memories, have love in my heart always for them, but sometimes you just have to let go. You have to understand that you can't force a relationship. This whole idea just about kills me. I'm an eternal optimist who hates burnt bridges, conflict or unpleasant feelings. My greatest fear in life is to live with regret. I see people who have loved ones who die prematurely or sudden and they are left with some form of regret. Whether it's not spending enough time with them, enabling them, not having a relationship with them at all. These people have to live with this for the rest of their lives. I can't, I won't. I haven't really come up with the conversation yet, but I will have to have one. Regret is not going to control my life. Then there is the other side to this conversation, when the other person doesn't care or acknowledge there's an issue. Ignoring problems in relationships is such the easy way out. This rant is not intentionally passive aggressive, the person this is about will never see it. It's toxic really and before I start my new chapter I had to say something to someone while I still muster up the courage to confront my feelings head on.

Enough feels already! Back to good news. Karson went to his first soccer practice for the new season last night and I was shocked. He went right onto the field, met his coach and only came to me to hydrate, he gave me a couple thumbs up. I know it was tough last season with his separation anxiety, but I am so glad I pushed him through it. He now walks into preschool like he owns it, meets new friends and introduces himself as Karson Mundell. I could not be prouder. He has blossomed into such a wonderful young man. We are currently working on respect and responsibility, we've had a couple time outs, but overall he is grasping the concepts. 

 Kooper turned 2! Where has my baby gone? She is such a spirited little thing. A little tom girl with some diva wrapped up in her. She is obsessed with horses, we have to sleep with a plastic horse jammed into my ribs. She loves animals! We took her to the zoo, she was in heaven. No fear. She wants to pet all the animals. She starts preschool next week. We will be going through the separation anxiety all over again, but at least this time we have some experience under our belts. I've conveniently made sure I have two hours to sit in the parking lot before I have to get to class myself. I'm sure she'll be fine, she's a brave girl.

We finished our summer off with a wonderful first family camping trip to Frontier Town in OC and we had a relaxing time (as relaxing as it can be with a 2 and 3 year old). We went to Assateague, biked on the broad walk, splashed in the water park and turned technology off. It was refreshing and when I am at my wits end this semester, I will look back, take deep breaths and plant myself in that sand with the breeze. Second thought, minus the sand, because honestly that stuff sticks to everything, it is even worse with tiny people. 

                               Goodbye Summer! Hello Back to School, for all of us this time!