Oh the Places You'll Go.

I can't even begin to describe the whirlwind that took over my life during the beginning of 2017. Here I am half way through the year and just sitting down to capture and meditate about some of the best moments of my life. After beginning the last semester of nursing school I quickly found out that I would be hired on the unit I worked on as a student nurse for the last year and a half. Knowing that a job was waiting for me was a huge sigh of relief at that point. Final semester was a blur, between 3-4 shifts at the hospital, sitting down every night at the dining room table working on my practicum paper, coaching spring soccer, prepping for dance recital, planning and coordinating the final touches to our Disney cruise vacation. You get the drift, life was busy. Before I knew it, May 19th was here and gone. Leaving the parking garage on the last day of class threw me for a loop and sent me spiraling into a ball of emotions. I could not believe this chapter of my life that I had been working towards since Spring 2011 was over. I could not believe that we survived. I left the garage fighting back the tears as I realized that was the last time I would walk to the parking garage with my two best friends. I honestly felt no sense of relief with the impending doom that was the NCLEX. Regardless, I was able to put the test to the back burner and enjoy our most needed and deserved family vacation.

Once you Disney cruise, nothing else compares, if that's what you've heard, they are right! Kurt and myself were the cruise virgins of our group. I really had no expectations going in and somehow Disney still surpassed them. The food was delectable, the service was impeccable, the weather was perfect! The kids literally had the time of their lives, enjoying every single moment they could with their beloved cousins. We were able to snorkel in Cozumel, dolphin encounter in Grand Cayman, sight see in Jamaica and chill (& get terribly burnt) in the Bahamas. My mother gave this trip to us as our "inheritance." She wanted us to spend the money making memories with her instead of after she is gone. She 's a trip, but her timing was perfect. We all needed this vacation in our lives for various reasons. 

After Disney it was on to studyyy and boy did I ever. I really felt as though I didn't quite have the content that I needed to pass the NCLEX, so I dove head first into the 600 page book. Started endless questions and remediation and before I knew it that big day was here. The night before I was nervously clam about the exam. I could have lived without Karson dropping my phone in the toilet or sink or whatever the heck he did. I was seeing red and did not need the added stress of not having my phone to call the troops for reinforcements after the exam,when my brain felt like mush and I needed to be talked off the ledge. Somehow Kurt, of all people, was able to resurrect my phone.

I arrived ridiculously early for fear of traffic, getting lost or an unexpected blunder I would encounter. I also should note that I was suffering from a terrible case of bubble guts that left me in fear of literally pooping my pants. I finally went into the testing center and quickly realized there was a long arduous process and I would not be taking the exam any time soon. After being patted down, striped of my jewelry and glasses inspection I was ready to sit. 

Throughout the prepping session, after receiving feedback from classmates I thought it would be wise for me to develop and chant a mantra that would calm my nerves and re-focus me. I said these positive affirmations at night and in the morning before taking my practice exams. I must have said them about a thousand times to Mom and Kurt. The morning of the exam Kurt left me a note with our mantra and a picture of a bear eating the NCLEX for breakfast. I feel as though he suffered through all of this right along with me. Poor guy. 

Back to the test, I sat, said my mantra and kept in mind this was going to be a long six hours. I promised my mother that I would take a bathroom break at 75 questions regardless,in an effort to come up for air and shake off any uncertainties. I made it to question 60 and I felt myself getting anxious to stand and walk around. I said my mantra, refocused and before I knew it question 75 was on the computer. I honestly never thought in a million years that there would be no question 76, so when a screen came up explaining survey questions, I completely blacked out. I raised my hand for the proctor, explained my confusion and attempted the extremely challenging survey questions, when my brain began to chant. "Did you really just fail the NCLEX in 75 questions?" I shortly left, without finishing the survey because my mind was hazy and I was down right confused. 

Quickly after returning to my car, I started my call list. People were shocked I was out in two hours and only had 75 questions. Well so was I. I had no clue how I did. I felt like there were a few I knew for sure and the majority was select all that apply. I came home and of course Mom wanted me to try to the Pearson trick right away (basically attempt to sign up for the exam again) and I just needed time to gather myself. Eventually, when she wasn't paying attention, I got up the nerve and did it. The "good pop up" came on the computer and my stomach flipped. In that instant I could not get to excited until it was official. 

The next day was absolutely agonizing. I did not leave the house and by 3,Kurt came home from work,I was blankly staring out into space. My license number was not online and in that moment I realized this might not really be happening for me. I took a time out and watched a Monster High movie with Koop. By 3:45 I was a nurse! I have never seen Kurt so ecstatic about anything in my whole life. We did it! 

And today I turned 30. I have done so many things on this planet in my 30 years and I am so excited to begin the next journey. I've already created my list for the next 30 and let me tell you, I only get better with age.

The End is Near.

I can't believe I am writing this post. I remember specifically sitting and writing about the apprehension, nervousness and just plain doubt I had about starting this chapter of my life two years ago. And in just a few short months, a bunch of long 12 hours shifts and a couple night's staring at the computer screen writing research I will walk across that stage of the Hippodrome with a master's degree. I have literally daydreamed about this moment and every time I can't help but tear up. A reel of memories come flooding back to me like I am an innocent bystander watching the movie of my nursing school journey.

The first memory of sitting at a table surrounded by 9 or so other women ranging from the fresh out of college to a little more seasoned (this included me), feeling completely overwhelmed at medication calculation and the fact that I was the only person in the room that was lost in the sauce. PinkEagle made her late debut, the woman who blogged on allnurses the summer before and knew all there was to know about everything and had me thinking I hadn't been accepted! I remember looking at these women and thinking holy crap what have I gotten myself into. In that moment I had no clue that I was sitting at a table with what would become my partners in crime, my closest of friends and two of the reasons I am were I am today, Nat and Fad.

First forward a couple of months later and a incident involving a trash can, first nursing school breakdown. Really not a proud moment for me, I failed big time. I was failing school and felt like I was failing my children at home. Especially Karson who had an interestingly tough day. My darling Kate with her heart on her sleeve. I just wanted to punch something or kick, which I did, hence the trash can. She came running down the hall after me saying all the right things. That girl is a special one. Before I knew it we were holding her while she broke down, because let's face it real life doesn't stop during nursing school. In that first semester mix was a teary eyed study session where t-cells were the topic of conversation. Also the nicknaming of the secret ninja Fad who aced Patho like it was her job. Together we prayed as we all struggled to pass Fundamentals...yeah really.

Every semester we thought it will be easier this time around. Hah, damn were we naive. Next up was Adult Health, minus some of our dearest we lost along the way. Still grieving their absence we began our decent into the darkest hole of nursing school. I completely screwed up and I signed up late which meant I was away from my girls and on my own for clinicals. Boy, was that an experience. Those two groups of people at the site that shall remain nameless overcame hell. Many a days we spent in our professors office, begging for any clues as to how to survive. It came down to the final and we were sweating bullets.

Our summer included kids and babies. I wasn't especially happy, well because I wanted to be home with my kids soaking up the summer fun. Nat and Fad though found their passions and for that I was thrilled. Two of the most compassionate people I know. I can't fathom why they would ever want to take care of  sick kids and babies, but I am surely relived knowing these amazing nurses exist and I get to call two of them my friends. That summer I saw babies born vaginally, which I envied and I got to hold a special newborn in which I helped name on Kurt's birthday. It was such a beautiful experience. I also got to relive my horrible experience with an emergency c-section in which I sat and held the grandmother while she cried in complete fear. It had a happy ending and so did the semester minus the group project that nearly crushed my spirit.

The fall came quick with only a few weeks off in between semesters. The girls and I were back together again for our psych clinical which included a ton of laughs and my own close to mental breakdown. Once again the girls talked me off the cliff and in a cosmic comeback I was able to pull off my A by one question on the final. I couldn't even celebrate, I was in complete denial. During this time the entire co-hort stirred over practicum placement and clinical scholar apps. We talked endlessly about it. We literally blinked and the entire semester was over.

Holiday break felt like the longest ever. I was chomping to get this last semester started.
I had my interview and I was offered clinical scholars on the unit where I have been working as a tech for the past year. I am thrilled. Honestly I had no clue where I would end up when nursing school was all said and done. I had no preconceived notions of "what kind of nurse" I wanted to be. I filled out an app to shock trauma on a complete wim, not thinking in a million years I would hear back. I fell in love with trauma patients and the people I came across daily. Sure, there's always challenges and every bit of trauma drama, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. My journey continues there.

Last Tuesday we all came together for our last first day of class. I was excited beyond words, but as I sat in the front row it all became surreal that before we know it, this journey will be complete. Of course we'll be relieved that the hard work is finally over, but how bittersweet is each tear, laugh and relationship we've had with each other and the patients we've interacted with. I am so proud beyond words of the women and men that I will graduate with on May 19. We have all grown in ways we didn't know possible and as we begin the next phase of nursing I know I will take every memory and struggle with me to provide the best care possible to everyone I encounter.

I thought I knew myself and then I went to nursing school.

Hell yeah ya'll we are so close!!! As this chapter comes to an end and I start to anxiously prepare for the NCLEX I know that I will take a moment of time to pat myself on the back for surviving and thriving this program. And I have each and everyone of you who read this to thank!!

This Is Us.

Thanksgiving Eve brings back waves of memories for Kurt & I. Eight years ago, my best friend Michael and I found our way to the Brass Rail in hopes to run into one and only, Kurt Mundell. We sat and giggled as he played the bowling game across the room. Kurt & I flirted, the typical girl likes boy. At this point Kurt and I had our "first date" of Chinese food and we were beginning to spend more and more time together, yet I still had a lingering relationship that was long past its expiration date. That night while Michael and I stumbled out of the bar, Kurt came to say his goodbyes at my car, he grabbed my hand, leaned it and landed a big ol' kiss right smack on my lips. I was so shocked I did not even have a chance to kiss back. He gave me the ultimatum, he told me he was falling for me and he did not want to get hurt. He turned around and left. I on the other hand was still in shock (dumb girl, you knew that was coming). I got in the car stunned, Michael was like, "what just happened?" I cried. I could not imagine not having Kurt in my life and I think in that moment we became us. The day after my phone rang and there he was, my heart fluttered, I hadn't lost my chance and soon after that I found my strength and decided it was time to be happy.

A year after that, Kurt and I were off to downtown Annapolis to meet all of my dearest friends from high school and their significant others. Kurt and I were engaged and living together. I was stunningly happy, I remember curling my hair and taking a purple flower from off the table to wear behind my ear, I felt like I was in a dream. It feels like yesterday. That was when my closest friends got to meet my Kurt. Its been one of the most epic Thanksgiving Eve parties I had attended. I had no clue in the moment, but the memories I was making were our stories I will share with our children and one day grandchildren. That's the funny thing about life, you just go through the moments not realizing the story your creating.

The eve's after those have been somewhat of a blur. At one point we had a Friendsgiving at our house that was absolutely the best! We also fit some babies in those years and I might have worked one or two. Who knows, because after eight years of Thanksgiving Eve's together some things get looked over and moments get forgotten. It shames me to say, but the good news is I have the next eight to try and make up for it.

This time last year I was sitting in the same chair at the same table with Kurt baking bread and the kids running around and screaming. I would not have it any other way, this is us. If anyone else were to walk in this mix they'd probably last all of two minutes. It's loud, it's crazy and to be honest I loose my thoughts about a million times when writing this blog. We don't have a big family, heck it will only be the six of us this year again, but this is us. The kids won't even eat most the food served today, but they will be surrounded by love and hopefully on their way to making moments and memories that they may one day reflect upon. In all of my Thanksgivings, I have made my way around a few different tables, friends, boyfriends, different family members, each one different in their own ways, each one I am still thankful for. For me it doesn't matter where, as long as I have my screaming kids and Kurt's deep friend turkey, that's my Thanksgiving, This is us.

                                                             Thanksgiving 2014

                                                            Thanksgiving 2015

Be True to You.

Another semester down and I'm in the post ictal phase, which means I stare blankly at walls and have issues with the most basic functions. The truth is I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not running around franticly glued to my planner. Now that I'm sitting in traffic on the way to the beach I have alot of time to reflect on the fact that in two semesters I will be a nurse.

It's really easy to lose focus on the WHY of this journey. Instead of getting caught up in the grades, papers and GPAs of nursing school I have to go back to the fundamental reason why I chose this profession in the first place. Thankfully I am reminded of that every time I walk into work.

I step unto the unit eyes glazed over investigating the patient board. I'm assigned my six patients for the day, receive report, clean the vitals machine and embark on my twelve hour shift. Most days I'm lucky to squeeze in a 20 minute lunch break or a post coffee pee. By the end of the shift my brains are mush, my toes are numb and my back is aching. And I'm not even the nurse! So imagine how they feel.

My patients are the reason I love this job. Some are wonderful sharing with me the most intimate details of their accident. Some really just want what they need and send me packing, which is fine too. I'm just honored to take care of them and be a step along their recovery, even if they don't remember my name. My heart is full when I can brush and braid hair, wipe glass from bloody knuckles and just be present for those who are alone.

I pray that in the hussle and bussle of hospital nursing I remember these moments frozen in time engraved in my memory that will guide me throughout this journey. In the end these are the qualities that produce an excellent nurse and when I walk across that stage come May 19th I will hold them dear to me.

And of course I'll have my Kate's voice exclaiming, "B's get degrees" in back of my mind. 😉

Marvelous Mother's Day!

I have to admit this Mother's Day was by far the best yet. In one day I got to do almost everything I love. My girl and I slept in while the boys steady cooked away making Dad's traditional caramel pancake. After delicious breakfast I got to cuddle on the couch to watch My Little Pony while the boys went grocery shopping. We went to Karson's Mother's Day soccer game where I got to coach my boy and my team, now lovingly named Khaos. My brother and the kids surprised my mom at the game. She was over the moon to have both of her children with her on Mom's day, she can be easy to please sometimes. The kids were thrilled to be surprised with their cousins. Kurt made a delicious lunch and dessert, lemon meringue, my Mom and I's favorite. I retired to the couch to sleep off the fullness and one glass of wine I indulged in. We closed the night with my mom and I going to see Mother's Day the movie with nachos and cheese. All in all a wonderful day! Oh and my little gardeners surprised me with new flowers in my outside garden. They have green thumbs and lots of dirt underneath their nails!

Mother's Day came so fast this year. I've been so focused on getting through the last weeks of this semester it was here and gone before I knew it. I literally blinked and I have a 4 year old that will not stop talking, my baby potty trained herself and I am finished my first year of nursing school! What!?! Just goes to show when I say I have a year left and roll my eyes, people are right, it will be over before I know it. I have three short weeks off before I start OB and Peds at AAMC. I'm taking a little break from the city, (not really) I'll be there for class two days a week and my job on the weekends. This eight weeks will be insanity!!! But, I promptly decided we will be taking a little siesta at the beach for baby girl's 3rd birthday because then I only have 3 weeks off again and onto fall semester. Whew. I'm currently waiting for that "ah-ha" moment when I realize what kind of nursing I want to do. Right now, I know what I don't want, which helps a bit.

I'm currently brain dead...literally and awaiting my end of semester grades, which has me all out of whack. The faster I get them, the better so I can just breathe. One day in with no school and I find myself missing something. I came on the computer and Karson insisted I was doing homework, he also thinks because I am taking three weeks off I am no longer a nurse. Poor thing has a lot of faith in me, already calling me a nurse and telling other people too. When I am a wits end with this program, I hear his sweet voice so proud and carry on.

Baby girl straight up decided to tell me she had to pee one day and history was made. I tried to keep putting her in diapers for the convenience of travel for Grammy. She was not having it. I can't believe how easy it came to her. Just goes to show if you don't push kids when they aren't ready, they'll grow and advance when they are. Karson is such the talker, Kurt and I can't get a word in edge wise. He is always interrupting us when we have adult conversation and boy he is always listening. We are having to spell, it's just a matter of time before that doesn't work anymore either. Kurt has been working full time again, he seems to be much happier when he is busy. And wow are we busy. If I lost my planner, I'd be losing my head.

For all the things I've done in my life, Mom has always been the hardest and most rewarding. My heart just swells with love for these children.

The One & Only Kooper.

As I stand scrubbing the massive pile of poop at the sink from my daughter's favorite unicorn pants she proudly exclaims, "I had diarrhea in my pants." I ask her who she is talking to and she looks at me and says Buster cat of course. I peek around the corner and there was the cat, looking at me with such pity. She continues to stand there bottomless with poop completely covering her legs and chomping away at the bag of Mike & Ike's I had given her before the massive explosion was discovered. This child is priceless.

Earlier today was her first riding lesson. We have been talking about riding ponies since Christmas, maybe even before that. I told my mother let's wait until the weather breaks and then you can buy her pony lessons. Well I thought the weather had broke, oops. On a 30 degree windy April day Koop had her first riding lesson. 15 minutes for $15, Daddy's going to have to get a third job to afford this habit. Haha. She talked my ear off the whole ride to the farm. She went from talking about ponies to pickles and even a little nod to farts (you can tell she's a little sister to a rotten 4 year old brother) and an even more childish father. When we got to the farm she touched the Earth with her pink leather cowgirl boots and in that spot she fell in love. Her face was priceless. No camera in the world could capture that child's utter joy. We walked to the barn and met her pony Peanut. All the sudden the talkative little angel was completely quiet. She met the pony and went out to the ring to ride. We put her in the saddle and she knew exactly where to hold the saddle, she's a pro. She rode him the entire time, when it was time to get off she teared up. She relaxed when she got to feed him his treats.

We explored the rest of the farm and took some treats to the other horseys. One of the bigger horses thought Kooper had a treat for him and while she was petting him, he nipped her. I held my breath for the epic let down, but she looked at me puzzled. In that second I knew whatever my reaction would be could set the tone for her love of this animal. I smiled and said silly horsey, he thought you had a treat. She giggled and completely played it off. She amazes me with her laid back personality sometimes. In those moments I can completely see myself in her. Don't get it twisted little miss has a little dash of diva in her also. That's all Grandma. We left the barn, her with Gram and me on my way to school once again. It meant the world to me to be able to see her in her element.I feel like I miss so much going to school and working. I have to admit though, her love of horses is not from me. To be honest I have always kinda feared them. I think Peanut sensed it today, but Kooper was to over the moon to notice. If the love persists it's only matter of time I'll have to ride, to see what the fuss is all about.

After class I picked up the kids to find out Kooper is now biting people. I thought maybe it had to do with the horse, but it's been going on for a little while. It's typically love bites, except when her brother has her pinned, but hey can you blame her. She's pushing all the buttons and testing the waters like a typical 2.5er. Ohh and the tears. Some days I think she cries at least 50 % of the day. In between those tears she's laughing hysterically and making the most funniest of faces while ripping her pigtails out and getting as naked as possible, all while carrying multiple tiny horses or her my little ponies.

The countdown is on for the end of this semester. It has surely been a huge challenge to say the least. "B's get degrees" (Kate, 2015). Bahaha. You know you've been on a paper writing binge when you are citing your personal blog. Surprisingly the clinic portion has been the least stressful aspect. I finally get why all those nurses before me have made nursing school out to be the worst. I always thought how hard could it really be, it's just school. That's hysterical. I can't get over the amount of crap I have learned over the last 6 months and the fact that I have so much more to learn is honestly quite scary. If and when I survive this semester and the subsequent, then there's the real world with real patients I am responsible for. Oh lord, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. My happy self is content with taking vitals and watching the nurses do the real deal.

Until next time when I get a few minutes. Haha. Talk to you in August!

Had I Never Been a Mom.

I can honestly say not once have I ever thought of my life without my children. Where would I be, who would I be, how would I be? In all of the craziness these two little people have brought into my life there has never been a day where I don't thank God for them. Their world revolves around Kurt and myself right now, but I know this is only a phase. One day they will be grown and we'll be called to bail them out (hopefully not literally) and be the punching bag from all the world throws at them. I'm sure I will be nursing heartbreaks, sports injuries and university rejection letters. We will be the foundation for which these children grow and thrive into amazing adults. Talk about responsibility. I have a lot of accomplishments under my belt, and so many more to come, but as a mother I can say raising my children has been the most brilliantly bittersweet accomplishment of my life.

Time travel back to May 2011. Kurt and I had been trying to get pregnant. We weren't worried yet, but we began questioning if we were going to be able to have children. I decided to take our tax returns and go on an unplanned road trip to New Orleans. I was hormonally crazy of the thought that I might not ever become a mother, so let's go on vacation! Side note: As a young girl and teen I never really thought of myself as a motherly type, I had professional aspirations (as I still do) that trumped marriage and happily ever after. Back to the road trip, I remember it clear as day, we were at a gas station when I received a call from my mother who was visiting my brother, his wife and their children. They had exciting news to share, they were pregnant with their third child! I was dumbstruck and I couldn't formulate the right words. I was thrilled for them, but in that instant I realized their was a slight statistical probability that we would never be pregnant. I hung up the phone and began to cry, Kurt looked at me and promised that everything would be fine and we would have a baby too one day. In that moment I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything.

We ended up in a dingy tavern on Bourbon Street when I came out of the bathroom to a clairvoyant that said she had a a vision when I walked past her and that I was pregnant. We laughed it off and came home with a funny story. Deep down though I prayed she was right. Weeks later and I was starting a new diet, my body was acting strange and my mother in her infinite wisdom told me, "you better take a pregnancy test". If I had a dollar for every time my mother thought I was pregnant I would be a millionaire by now. Well, obviously she was correct (I'll give her that one). Fast forward 20 weeks into the pregnancy and a day after our ultrasound that gave us quite the scare, I started to spontaneously bleed during my morning pee. I screamed for Kurt, who like always was making me something to eat, he came rushing in and in that second I broke down, I was having a miscarriage. The drive to to the hospital was the most terrifying 5 minutes of my life. I could still feel him moving around and I kept hoping this wasn't the last times I would ever feel this. I literally held my breath and looking back have no idea how I survived that day with the lack of oxygen we both had. When I heard his heartbeat on the monitor the relief I felt, the love I felt for this little baby, who in all honesty I had not yet really formed a bond with was alive and in that instant I became a mother. Momma bear was born and I've never looked back.

Here in the lies the point to all this reminiscing. My dear friends have been through hell and back in an effort to become parents. My heart breaks for every single person out there who wants to become a parent for all the right reasons and can not. I can't imagine the heartbreak they feel, but I can imagine the love they will share for their future children. I can imagine the utter joy of those first beautiful and fleeting moments, the sadness that comes from watching them grow to fast. This world can be a dark place, but children are our light, our hope for a better future. The eternal optimist in me believes this wholeheartedly. Some people are born to be parents, they have that special something from the beginning, my friend Lisa has this. I want this baby for them so badly I might have thought about giving them one of mine (haha). In all honesty, YOU have the ability to help them in becoming parents. If you are one, you know these emotions I am sharing with you, if you aren't one, well you came from somewhere and I can guarantee someone shares the same feelings about you. Please I am begging you to look at their Facebook page, click "like" and follow us in this remarkable journey. This is only a portion of their story and I know the best is yet to come! Let's make 2016 the year of baby!

https://www.facebook.com/lisaandmaryadoptionhopes/

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.