Baby Blues

I now definitely understand all the literature that the husband & I read during our pregnancy. The baby blues is real & it takes you hostage without asking. I feel as though the worse is over, thank God we survived it. I can’t really explain exactly how it feels. The only people who could possibly relate are all the other momma’s out there who conquered it also. I felt like a shell of myself, running on empty. A combination of hormonal changes and sleep deprivation equals an overwhelmed momma. I was resentful and moody around those who were closest (my husband) to us. I was never upset with my baby though, I knew all he needed was my love and attention. I am so unexplainably happy. We still have our trying times, but we are all growing together.

Our next step is getting baby into his own crib. I am slowly getting use to the idea. The limited time I have to sleep will hopefully be more sound. I know he will be fine, but I have a little issue with separation anxiety. We are also incorporating some bottle feedings. His Dad absolutely loves being able to feed him. He feels more bonded with him. It is also a great help to me! The next week will bring on some challenging changes. I can’t believe he is almost a month old already! He is growing way too fast.

My friend is getting married at the end of the month and we are excited for our first date night out. The bachelorette party is coming soon; I have to get a dress (dreading this). Let’s face it my body has suffered a little throughout this journey too. I am looking forward to a night out with my best girlfriends, but at the same time I am torn because I will be leaving baby and Dad all by themselves. Maybe by the time the night gets here I will be ready to go!

Time for another diaper change and feeding! A crying baby doesn’t wait.

A topless Momma!

To understand where I am going with this title you all need a little back story. When I was a little girl about 12 years old all I wanted was to develop like my friend’s had. (To be blunt I wanted boobs!) Well one day they came & since then they have grown. I enjoyed them in high school, showing off when I wanted. Low cut shirts & the works! (What a little slut…haha I know). Thank goodness I had a boy! Fast forward to 24 & here I am sitting on my computer with a baby latched to my boob for the sixth time today. This is not what I had in mind when I was showing these bad boys off years ago.

Breastfeeding! One word…so many meanings: sleep deprivation, soreness, irritability, resentment, rock hard. I think that will do. I know how many benefits there are to breastfeeding. Trust me we researched everything. (Let me first say before I continue-I love my baby & my husband to death). Okay…now that we have that straight-let me be straight with you. Breastfeeding is a full time job. You have one little person hanging onto you the majority of the day. Relying on you for survival, nutrition & good health. Talk about pressure, especially because I couldn’t even drink enough water in the beginning of my pregnancy to stay hydrated. Although, most times I lovingly breastfeed my baby stroking his head and sitting in the dark with a grin of contentment on my face, there are those nights where he is crying every hour because he wants more! Those are the nights were I sit and countdown the days until we can incorporate bottle feeding, so his father can help me.

That’s a story within its self. My husband has been so patient with me. I know he feels like he lost his once happy go lucky loving wife. (Trust me: she misses him just as much)! Right now I feel like Karson needs all my attention, let’s face it HE DOES. What a balancing act. Hooray for mom’s who do not share my feelings. How do you do it?!? Although, I was the one asking my husband months ago, “When are we going to have a baby?” Here I am resenting him when I look over at 4:15 am and he is sleeping like a baby. (Hah!) I know he has to work, and he does work hard.

Last night at 5:15 am after hours of fighting with the baby I let out a cry. This cry wasn’t like the little tears I had shed in the privacy of my own time. Until this point the tears I had shed were about how happy this little miracle makes me. This cry led me to say, “I can’t do this anymore”. Of course my husband asks, “What can’t you do?” I didn’t know the answer. I just knew at that time I was about to lose my mind. All I could do was cry and kiss my baby.

The reason I am sharing this little story with you, is to let you know you are not alone with the feelings you may be feeling. Talking about those feelings is the only way to survive. Since I am not much of a complainer & I feel responsible for the position I am in (I mean it was my decision to be a mom) this blog is a therapeutic journey for me. It is also a plus that weeks, months or years from now I can sit with a tall beer in my hand and laugh about all that we as a little family had gone through.

I’ve gone a little document crazy with this pregnancy. I have kept a video journal for the baby throughout the pregnancy, now I am keeping a written journal about his weekly progress & then this slice of heaven blog that sometimes I feel has become my best friend.

On a positive note: My little guy is growing so fast & making such progress. I love being a mom!

A burping session after ANOTHER breastfeeding.

A true love story.

Karson Lee

2/8/2012 @ 11:48pm

8 lbs. 5 oz. 21.5 inches



He entered this world in a dramatic fashion. To make a longgg story short. On 2/8 the hubster & I were off to the hospital to be induced. The first drips of pitocin started about 11am. By early afternoon I had finally made some progress to 5 cm. Active labor was rough. I was on an exercise ball, bouncing from side to side. I finally gave into the epidural. At about 10pm the doctor checked in on us and I was 10 cm and ready to push. We started with fiery. The baby was making no progress on coming out, the baby's heart rate was dropping. Doctor decided for an emergency c-section. I was scared out of my mind, but somehow managed to maintain good thoughts. We were whisked away to the OR. The doctor hadn't even had me completely numb and she started the procedure. My husband was nowhere to be found and then just in the nick of time he came in. Just then the doctor pulled the baby out, my husband said "It's a boy!" The baby was rushed over to the exam table. I didn't even get a chance to see him. The nurses continued to work on him and I was scared to death that he was sick or worse. My husband went with him to the nursery where they cleared out all the fluid from his lungs. He had a great report! Healthy and beautiful. I was taken to the recovery room completely doped out of my mind. The whole thing is like a dream and there are several minutes where I cannot recall what happened. My husband came in to check on me and the nurse brought the baby back to me. All I remember is tears.I wasn't able to see him again until we were placed in the maternity ward several hours later. Tomorrow will be a week already. I cannot believe how fast the time has flown.

My grandmother spoke these words to my mother not so long ago. "Having a child is the greatest pain to bear, but the easiest to forget." I can a test to that. I'm still recuperating from the pain and holding him in my arms puts all of it on the back burner. Today, I celebrated the best Valentine's Day of my life. I spend the day hiding out in the house with my two best guys. Could NEVER get better than that.

We are all enjoying the time we have together. I am already dreading daddy going back to work next week.