A topless Momma!

To understand where I am going with this title you all need a little back story. When I was a little girl about 12 years old all I wanted was to develop like my friend’s had. (To be blunt I wanted boobs!) Well one day they came & since then they have grown. I enjoyed them in high school, showing off when I wanted. Low cut shirts & the works! (What a little slut…haha I know). Thank goodness I had a boy! Fast forward to 24 & here I am sitting on my computer with a baby latched to my boob for the sixth time today. This is not what I had in mind when I was showing these bad boys off years ago.

Breastfeeding! One word…so many meanings: sleep deprivation, soreness, irritability, resentment, rock hard. I think that will do. I know how many benefits there are to breastfeeding. Trust me we researched everything. (Let me first say before I continue-I love my baby & my husband to death). Okay…now that we have that straight-let me be straight with you. Breastfeeding is a full time job. You have one little person hanging onto you the majority of the day. Relying on you for survival, nutrition & good health. Talk about pressure, especially because I couldn’t even drink enough water in the beginning of my pregnancy to stay hydrated. Although, most times I lovingly breastfeed my baby stroking his head and sitting in the dark with a grin of contentment on my face, there are those nights where he is crying every hour because he wants more! Those are the nights were I sit and countdown the days until we can incorporate bottle feeding, so his father can help me.

That’s a story within its self. My husband has been so patient with me. I know he feels like he lost his once happy go lucky loving wife. (Trust me: she misses him just as much)! Right now I feel like Karson needs all my attention, let’s face it HE DOES. What a balancing act. Hooray for mom’s who do not share my feelings. How do you do it?!? Although, I was the one asking my husband months ago, “When are we going to have a baby?” Here I am resenting him when I look over at 4:15 am and he is sleeping like a baby. (Hah!) I know he has to work, and he does work hard.

Last night at 5:15 am after hours of fighting with the baby I let out a cry. This cry wasn’t like the little tears I had shed in the privacy of my own time. Until this point the tears I had shed were about how happy this little miracle makes me. This cry led me to say, “I can’t do this anymore”. Of course my husband asks, “What can’t you do?” I didn’t know the answer. I just knew at that time I was about to lose my mind. All I could do was cry and kiss my baby.

The reason I am sharing this little story with you, is to let you know you are not alone with the feelings you may be feeling. Talking about those feelings is the only way to survive. Since I am not much of a complainer & I feel responsible for the position I am in (I mean it was my decision to be a mom) this blog is a therapeutic journey for me. It is also a plus that weeks, months or years from now I can sit with a tall beer in my hand and laugh about all that we as a little family had gone through.

I’ve gone a little document crazy with this pregnancy. I have kept a video journal for the baby throughout the pregnancy, now I am keeping a written journal about his weekly progress & then this slice of heaven blog that sometimes I feel has become my best friend.

On a positive note: My little guy is growing so fast & making such progress. I love being a mom!

A burping session after ANOTHER breastfeeding.