Oh the Places You'll Go.

I can't even begin to describe the whirlwind that took over my life during the beginning of 2017. Here I am half way through the year and just sitting down to capture and meditate about some of the best moments of my life. After beginning the last semester of nursing school I quickly found out that I would be hired on the unit I worked on as a student nurse for the last year and a half. Knowing that a job was waiting for me was a huge sigh of relief at that point. Final semester was a blur, between 3-4 shifts at the hospital, sitting down every night at the dining room table working on my practicum paper, coaching spring soccer, prepping for dance recital, planning and coordinating the final touches to our Disney cruise vacation. You get the drift, life was busy. Before I knew it, May 19th was here and gone. Leaving the parking garage on the last day of class threw me for a loop and sent me spiraling into a ball of emotions. I could not believe this chapter of my life that I had been working towards since Spring 2011 was over. I could not believe that we survived. I left the garage fighting back the tears as I realized that was the last time I would walk to the parking garage with my two best friends. I honestly felt no sense of relief with the impending doom that was the NCLEX. Regardless, I was able to put the test to the back burner and enjoy our most needed and deserved family vacation.

Once you Disney cruise, nothing else compares, if that's what you've heard, they are right! Kurt and myself were the cruise virgins of our group. I really had no expectations going in and somehow Disney still surpassed them. The food was delectable, the service was impeccable, the weather was perfect! The kids literally had the time of their lives, enjoying every single moment they could with their beloved cousins. We were able to snorkel in Cozumel, dolphin encounter in Grand Cayman, sight see in Jamaica and chill (& get terribly burnt) in the Bahamas. My mother gave this trip to us as our "inheritance." She wanted us to spend the money making memories with her instead of after she is gone. She 's a trip, but her timing was perfect. We all needed this vacation in our lives for various reasons. 

After Disney it was on to studyyy and boy did I ever. I really felt as though I didn't quite have the content that I needed to pass the NCLEX, so I dove head first into the 600 page book. Started endless questions and remediation and before I knew it that big day was here. The night before I was nervously clam about the exam. I could have lived without Karson dropping my phone in the toilet or sink or whatever the heck he did. I was seeing red and did not need the added stress of not having my phone to call the troops for reinforcements after the exam,when my brain felt like mush and I needed to be talked off the ledge. Somehow Kurt, of all people, was able to resurrect my phone.

I arrived ridiculously early for fear of traffic, getting lost or an unexpected blunder I would encounter. I also should note that I was suffering from a terrible case of bubble guts that left me in fear of literally pooping my pants. I finally went into the testing center and quickly realized there was a long arduous process and I would not be taking the exam any time soon. After being patted down, striped of my jewelry and glasses inspection I was ready to sit. 

Throughout the prepping session, after receiving feedback from classmates I thought it would be wise for me to develop and chant a mantra that would calm my nerves and re-focus me. I said these positive affirmations at night and in the morning before taking my practice exams. I must have said them about a thousand times to Mom and Kurt. The morning of the exam Kurt left me a note with our mantra and a picture of a bear eating the NCLEX for breakfast. I feel as though he suffered through all of this right along with me. Poor guy. 

Back to the test, I sat, said my mantra and kept in mind this was going to be a long six hours. I promised my mother that I would take a bathroom break at 75 questions regardless,in an effort to come up for air and shake off any uncertainties. I made it to question 60 and I felt myself getting anxious to stand and walk around. I said my mantra, refocused and before I knew it question 75 was on the computer. I honestly never thought in a million years that there would be no question 76, so when a screen came up explaining survey questions, I completely blacked out. I raised my hand for the proctor, explained my confusion and attempted the extremely challenging survey questions, when my brain began to chant. "Did you really just fail the NCLEX in 75 questions?" I shortly left, without finishing the survey because my mind was hazy and I was down right confused. 

Quickly after returning to my car, I started my call list. People were shocked I was out in two hours and only had 75 questions. Well so was I. I had no clue how I did. I felt like there were a few I knew for sure and the majority was select all that apply. I came home and of course Mom wanted me to try to the Pearson trick right away (basically attempt to sign up for the exam again) and I just needed time to gather myself. Eventually, when she wasn't paying attention, I got up the nerve and did it. The "good pop up" came on the computer and my stomach flipped. In that instant I could not get to excited until it was official. 

The next day was absolutely agonizing. I did not leave the house and by 3,Kurt came home from work,I was blankly staring out into space. My license number was not online and in that moment I realized this might not really be happening for me. I took a time out and watched a Monster High movie with Koop. By 3:45 I was a nurse! I have never seen Kurt so ecstatic about anything in my whole life. We did it! 

And today I turned 30. I have done so many things on this planet in my 30 years and I am so excited to begin the next journey. I've already created my list for the next 30 and let me tell you, I only get better with age.

The End is Near.

I can't believe I am writing this post. I remember specifically sitting and writing about the apprehension, nervousness and just plain doubt I had about starting this chapter of my life two years ago. And in just a few short months, a bunch of long 12 hours shifts and a couple night's staring at the computer screen writing research I will walk across that stage of the Hippodrome with a master's degree. I have literally daydreamed about this moment and every time I can't help but tear up. A reel of memories come flooding back to me like I am an innocent bystander watching the movie of my nursing school journey.

The first memory of sitting at a table surrounded by 9 or so other women ranging from the fresh out of college to a little more seasoned (this included me), feeling completely overwhelmed at medication calculation and the fact that I was the only person in the room that was lost in the sauce. PinkEagle made her late debut, the woman who blogged on allnurses the summer before and knew all there was to know about everything and had me thinking I hadn't been accepted! I remember looking at these women and thinking holy crap what have I gotten myself into. In that moment I had no clue that I was sitting at a table with what would become my partners in crime, my closest of friends and two of the reasons I am were I am today, Nat and Fad.

First forward a couple of months later and a incident involving a trash can, first nursing school breakdown. Really not a proud moment for me, I failed big time. I was failing school and felt like I was failing my children at home. Especially Karson who had an interestingly tough day. My darling Kate with her heart on her sleeve. I just wanted to punch something or kick, which I did, hence the trash can. She came running down the hall after me saying all the right things. That girl is a special one. Before I knew it we were holding her while she broke down, because let's face it real life doesn't stop during nursing school. In that first semester mix was a teary eyed study session where t-cells were the topic of conversation. Also the nicknaming of the secret ninja Fad who aced Patho like it was her job. Together we prayed as we all struggled to pass Fundamentals...yeah really.

Every semester we thought it will be easier this time around. Hah, damn were we naive. Next up was Adult Health, minus some of our dearest we lost along the way. Still grieving their absence we began our decent into the darkest hole of nursing school. I completely screwed up and I signed up late which meant I was away from my girls and on my own for clinicals. Boy, was that an experience. Those two groups of people at the site that shall remain nameless overcame hell. Many a days we spent in our professors office, begging for any clues as to how to survive. It came down to the final and we were sweating bullets.

Our summer included kids and babies. I wasn't especially happy, well because I wanted to be home with my kids soaking up the summer fun. Nat and Fad though found their passions and for that I was thrilled. Two of the most compassionate people I know. I can't fathom why they would ever want to take care of  sick kids and babies, but I am surely relived knowing these amazing nurses exist and I get to call two of them my friends. That summer I saw babies born vaginally, which I envied and I got to hold a special newborn in which I helped name on Kurt's birthday. It was such a beautiful experience. I also got to relive my horrible experience with an emergency c-section in which I sat and held the grandmother while she cried in complete fear. It had a happy ending and so did the semester minus the group project that nearly crushed my spirit.

The fall came quick with only a few weeks off in between semesters. The girls and I were back together again for our psych clinical which included a ton of laughs and my own close to mental breakdown. Once again the girls talked me off the cliff and in a cosmic comeback I was able to pull off my A by one question on the final. I couldn't even celebrate, I was in complete denial. During this time the entire co-hort stirred over practicum placement and clinical scholar apps. We talked endlessly about it. We literally blinked and the entire semester was over.

Holiday break felt like the longest ever. I was chomping to get this last semester started.
I had my interview and I was offered clinical scholars on the unit where I have been working as a tech for the past year. I am thrilled. Honestly I had no clue where I would end up when nursing school was all said and done. I had no preconceived notions of "what kind of nurse" I wanted to be. I filled out an app to shock trauma on a complete wim, not thinking in a million years I would hear back. I fell in love with trauma patients and the people I came across daily. Sure, there's always challenges and every bit of trauma drama, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. My journey continues there.

Last Tuesday we all came together for our last first day of class. I was excited beyond words, but as I sat in the front row it all became surreal that before we know it, this journey will be complete. Of course we'll be relieved that the hard work is finally over, but how bittersweet is each tear, laugh and relationship we've had with each other and the patients we've interacted with. I am so proud beyond words of the women and men that I will graduate with on May 19. We have all grown in ways we didn't know possible and as we begin the next phase of nursing I know I will take every memory and struggle with me to provide the best care possible to everyone I encounter.

I thought I knew myself and then I went to nursing school.

Hell yeah ya'll we are so close!!! As this chapter comes to an end and I start to anxiously prepare for the NCLEX I know that I will take a moment of time to pat myself on the back for surviving and thriving this program. And I have each and everyone of you who read this to thank!!