Growing Pains.

Similar to the classic cheesy 80's sitcom and the Seaver family, my little family has been challenged with our own growing pains. Whenever a baby is brought into the picture, life changes, the simple everyday things (like going to the bathroom alone) and the complex relationships that have taken years to build. If you are someone who doesn't love change (or downright dreads it) this can be even more of a challenge. I have always prided myself on being someone who is pretty easy to go with life's flow, but when two people become three, this is not a go with the flow situation. This whole situation is life altering stuff- unfortunately our episodes do not end with a live audience clapping and upbeat music.

During the first weeks of your child's life there are so many emotions going on. There is excitement, anxiousness, fear and loneliness (even if you have a super support system). You are still Mom and the majority of the responsibility falls on you. I was going through some serious growing pains (and hormonal fluxes) and so was husband and baby. After Kurt went back to work I was really starting to resent him. I resented the fact that he was able to sleep, able to escape the endless bouts of crying, able to retain some part of himself. Instead of talking about these feelings, I internalized them (why, I don't know). Maybe I was ashamed of the way I was feeling. Worst thing for a new mom to do is not talk. For the first time in four years I had negative feelings towards my husband. This was even more difficult to deal with because we had never even had a fight before, our life together was easy. Fast forward about three months to the present. We survived (hooray!). I finally had to sit him down and talk, I don't mean sugarcoat the emotions, but get real, dirty style. He was hurt (he is VERY sensitive), but he had some feelings he needed to talk about too. I felt much more connected, in tune with him. We are definitely better because of it. Karson is not the only one growing leaps and bounds. We all are, individually and together. Our family unit is much stronger now than it has ever been. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe. I can go to sleep at night knowing that everything that I am feeling has been said, even the not so nice feelings. 

The other night at work I started a 16 & Pregnant marathon. I had absolutely nothing else to watch and figured why not. Boy was that a bad idea. Before I knew it I was reliving all of those emotions I felt the first couple weeks of Karson's life. I was crying and then even worse I was fuming! Pissed actually. I was and am so blessed to have a supportive partner in this journey. I couldn't imagine it any other way. Who else could have put up with my crazy? After turning off the trash I decided to research rolling over. Kurt has been staying up all night watching the baby monitor when I am at work because Karson is starting to roll over. Kurt was scared to death that Karson would not be able to breathe if he rolled over in the middle of the night. The clear headed death investigator knows that there is nothing to worry about, but the narcotic first time mom had to google it. A half an hour into it and I am texting Kurt at 4am to get up and check on the baby. Panic had set in and I was not going to rest until I got an answer. So I called him, all was well. After I hung up I thought to myself, holy shit these feelings are never going to go away, I thought the days of panic were over. I thought that phase was complete and we were on to the next. Every day brings new milestones and new emotions. We are all just growing together and facing new pains.

Talking about pains-yesterday was boogie's 4 month check up. I felt a lot better this time than last. The doctor was surprised when I said I was still breastfeeding. She told me congratulations, I felt like I had won a medal. Let's be honest women should get one (or two) for all that we do when it comes to our children! Karson overall is right on track, we got a ham on our hands. He is a chart topper already (let's hope this continues, one day I would love to be a rock stars Mom). He is 90th percentile for height, 80th for weight. Our doctor wants to wait til 6 months for solids, she doesn't want him to be obese (funny, but true). I can't believe how much I enjoy breastfeeding now, in retrospective I am SO happy that I did not give up!!! The shots were easy-peasy, two second scream when they pulled them out and he was back to smiles. Later that evening is another story. I thought we were in the clear, we had a wonderful mid day nap and he woke up with a big 'ol boogie smile! I decided to run some errands with my mom, first stop egg custard sno-ball, not even two seconds into it and all the sudden Karson let out a screech. He went from happy to pissed in .2 seconds. We flew to the nearest drug store for Tylenol. We sat in the parking lot for an hour with Karson screaming at the top of his lungs, people could hear him in their own cars. (My kid can scream). Parenting lesson number one: watching your child in pain is absolutely heartbreaking, you would cut off your own arm to make them feel better. I adore this little monster so much that I was crying along with him. We both survived the exhausting ordeal. Bedtime was an hour early that night (for both of us)! 

You Know You're a Momma When...

I receive e-mails daily from babycenter.com, most of them I delete without even opening-some of them are just absolutely ridiculous. Today, I opened one and at the bottom was a short excerpt about "knowing you're a mother when"..... I attempted to find the article to quote it. After about a thirty minute search (you can tell I am at work on night shift-when would I ever have that kind of time at home?!?) I was unsuccessful. After trying to remember what the article wrote, I decided screw it I'll write my own list.

First let me start by saying this, prior to being a mother I wondered if and how I would ever be able to do it? I was never one of those natural born mother's (you know the type- the little girl who carries around a baby doll dreaming of someday being called "Mommy"). I was never the woman who gushed at other people's children. To be honest I still don't. The closest children to me were my niece and nephew- I loved being around them, but I still had no clue and no responsibility (I was only 19). To be honest up until I delivered my sweet boy I wondered if I had the mother gene? What would I do if I did not have an immediate connection to my baby? How would I know to take care of him-feed him, clothe him, protect him? There was a lot of wondering and praying that everything would fall into place. I read about women who did not connect with their children until much later in life. I was horrified, would that be me?

When Karson was born I felt like I was robbed of crucial bonding time due to our l & d circumstances. I never actually saw him come out of me (I know your probably thinking so what he is still yours)-this is true, but it's different. I didn't see him for hours after. Sure, I was as high as a kite, but I will never forget laying in the recovery room fighting the drugs and doing everything in my power to stay awake for updates about him. The nurse brought him to me, in my drug induced state, I saw my baby. He was wrapped up like a little sausage, so perfect. I cried and kissed his forehead, in that moment I was a Momma-not a mother, there is a difference.

In retrospective I explain that moment like a light switch, one minute I was me "just plain ol' me", the next I was Karson's Momma. Since that moment the bulb has burned brighter every day; I am completely head over heels for this little boy. All of those worries were for nothing. I feel like a Momma, I love being a Momma & not to toot my own horn, but I am damn good at it too!

With that said, here is my simple list: (just in case you didn't have the light switch moment)

You know you're a Momma when:

- showering  takes place whenever you can slip in a minute (some days this might not be at all).

- you have some kind of bodily fluid on you at some point of the day.

- eating is something that is done only for survival.

- you can't even imagine future plans for yourself.

- sleep, what's that?

- one little smile melts your heart and makes your day.

- you would do anything I mean anything to take away their pain.

- going to the bathroom requires acrobatics (especially if your baby weighs 18 lbs like mine).

- reading little golden books is your favorite time of the day.

- waking up at 5 am is wonderful (even if he is crying-he is alive!)

- at the end of the day you can't wait to share with your sig. other the events of the day ( he pooped twice).

- shopping trips consist of the latest baby accessories.

- you finally get you time and half of it is spent calling home for updates, talking about your little one or at least thinking about him.

- you check his breathing when he is in his car seat or crib or well whenever you feel necessary.

- life is simply not worth living without your little buddy.

My most recent "Momma moment" was this past Sunday when Karson was baptized. After the priest baptized her ( I mean him!) even the priest had me confused. Side note *(For those not at this festivity, the priest insisted upon calling Karson a her, even though we had him dressed in a suit. Ahh old Catholic priests, at least he noticed half way through when he finally looked at the baby!) Anyway, the priest had a special blessing for Karson's mother, that's me! I had to fight back the tears, God has blessed me, I am the Momma to this precious little monster. The good, the bad & the just plain ugly! I am ready to rumble. I am Momma, hear me roar!